TheClothezLine

Hair Errant: Mike Miller

2011-06-04T21:38:00.007-04:00

Yes, it's true -- Mike Miller has had a rough season.

Miami's supposed sharpshooter was out till Dec. 20 after injuring his thumb in the pre-season. Afterward, Miller scored in double figures just nine times in the regular season and once in the playoffs. (Way to go, Heat -- dropping a cool $5 mil on a freezing cold swingman.)

Then, just as Miami was tussling with the Bulls in the Eastern Conference finals, Miller's daughter was born with a serious heart condition.

So, ever since May 18, Miller hasn't gotten much sleep.

Which goes a long way toward explaining this 'do.

TCL can't decide, but he seems to be channeling either the munchkins triplets from The Wizard of Oz or Lily Tomlin's Ernestine.

Poor guy. Still, Miller IS a serial weird-'do. In his 10 years in the NBA, he's come down with his own serious hair conditions. (Hold your nose and see here, here and here.)

Admittedly, he has tried to cure himself, but the result was not exactly the best corrective.

Aw, well, he's got four years remaining on that $25 million contract, so there's still hope.

KTJ Reaches Cruising Attitude

2008-12-04T06:35:00.003-05:00

Tuning in to TNT on Thursday night is like coming home after a long, rough day and having the hubby draw you a hot bath and a Scotch on the rocks -- you just know in the end that someone is looking out for you.

And so it is with Sir Charles, Kenny "The Jet" Smith and Ernie Johnson. (At this point in the 2008-09 season, having exchanged vows w/the NBA in '07-08, TCL refuses to even acknowledge WTF MarC Fein is....)

So, we were all the more thrilled to see KTJ decked out in more than his usual respectable finery recently, to mull the fate of one-man leper colony Stephon Marbury. (That Starbury-Steve-n-Barry's head tat is really moving the $25 sneakers now, isn't it?)

Let's just say right here, right now that here at TCL we are rather brazon Kevin Garnett fans -- OY! his skillz! his 'tude! his fashion sense! (Oh, puh-leeze with that LeBron pre-game, wannabe chalk-to-the-heavens thing -- who can forget 2003-04?) And KG's nerdy and sweet sweater vests over baggy white oxfords set a trend that was quickly adopted across a league desperate to distance itself from a Thug Life archetype it had once shamelessly promoted.

Anyway, what with fashion stuck in a rut b/c of the economy, one must appreciate Kenny The Jet's little yellow tie-on-shades-of-gray tweaks to KG's basic creed -- the sleek sports coat over his vest and dress shirt, with the rumpled kerchief adding that little extra touch of WTF cares?

Given that the economy has put middle America in a more conservative mood, such that low-slung jeans have given way to prim, high-waist Mom dungarees and decolletage -- Alas! -- has become but a breathtaking decadence, one must celebrate what small sartorial advances we come by these days.

The Long & Shorts of Rafa Nadal

2008-09-05T02:04:00.004-04:00

Word is Rafael Nadal postponed a long overdue update to his on-court apparel until he could get through the U.S. Open.

Um, and the reason the world No. 1 would want to continue picking his butt is?

Will giving up butt-picking turn out to be something like kicking the smoking habit? Where the quitter frets about finding something else to do with his hands?

May TCL suggest Rafa stop with the Eurosexual posing already, and take up the time-honored American athletic tradition of adjusting one's cup?

Whether or not he reaches the finals at Flushing Meadows and beats Roger Federer once there, the Spaniard would go a long way toward winning hearts in the U.S. if he would give up on those lame muscle shirts and clam diggers.

Terrell Owens: Above & Beyond

2008-07-22T00:59:00.006-04:00

Our first thought upon seeing Terrell Owens at the ESPY's?

Excuse me, Monsieur Maitre'De. Here's 20 bucks. Can you direct us to Grauman's Chinese Theater? Maybe arrange a fast taxi? Then we're hoping to get from there to Koi in time to catch someone at least as famous as Avril Lavigne dining on overpriced sushi. Can you help us out?

But go figure. Mr. I've-Been-Totally-Screwed-By-The-Media had to go and help an ESPN reporter, of all people, after the doofus got himself hit by a decidedly un-Hollywood-glam Honda Civic during ESPN's red-carpet celeb weekend.

So, yeah, okay. T.O. looks like he rented his suit from the estate of the costume mistress for the extras from "Casablanca."

His good-guy-ness, especially while dressed like a hopeless dork, puts a entirely different spin on all the I'm-All-That casting he's endured from the MSSportsM over the last few years.

TCL has always known T.O. had it in him.

Though, admittedly, we wish he'd dressed better for the occasion.

In the Wheelhouse: Lourdes Ciccone Leon

2008-06-24T16:04:00.010-04:00

"Really, Mum. A girl can only stand so much.

"It's bad enough everybody being, like, 'Oh, Lourdes, you look JUST LIKE Madge when she was young!'

"You've had me 'following in your footsteps' for just about forever -- what with taking ballet, tagging along to Kabbalah, pimping me in your so-last-century Madonna get-ups.

"(Admit it, Mum, it was me who turned you on to Ed Hardy. Because, uh, yeah, like you know the first thing about fashion. So chav.)

"But now you're dragging me to a dumb baseball game? Oh, and it's not about you? Not about selling 'Hard Candy'? Not 'Back in NYC -- without hubby Guy' photo ops?

'Oh, I see, yes, right, it's about introducing little David to the American Past...

'Um, Mummy? Who is that? ... Which team? I don't know which team! ... That guy there, in pinstripes. No. 13.

'You know him, really? Geez, whoever said you were a bee-atch? You're the awesomest Mum ever!

'What a brilliant idea to show little David all about baseball! Maybe Mr. Rodriguez could come over and show him how to play....'

Daily Diva: Carrie Underwood at Bat

2008-06-10T16:12:00.004-04:00

How cute is Carrie Underwood, stepping up to the plate for the 18th Annual City of Hope Celebrity Softball Challenge?

We're not quite sure about the black batting gloves here, especially since she's on base. (Note to CU: Base runners stick their gloves, fingers up, in a back pocket. Cool players have gone one step further, eschewing gloves for a different sort of "flappage.")

That said, the country music superstar looks like (and apparently played like) she had some game.

That would be a 100 percent improvement over whatever baseball-like substance Naomi Campbell struck out with for "Ugly Betty."

Underwood, "American Idol's" Season 4 winner, also beats the heck out of Victoria Beckham's baseball star-turn. (Might be time to sweat the technique.)

Come to think of it, Carrie has a better voice, too. Sorry, Posh.

Daily Diva: Ana Ivanovic Wins Cute

2008-06-08T20:09:00.004-04:00

Ana Ivanovic cruised past Dinara Safina in straight sets -- 6-4, 6-3 -- on Saturday at Roland Garros to win her first Grand Slam title.

And how ooo-la-la she was doing it!

The 20-year-old Serb has a sort of Katie-Holmes cuteness that's appealing. (Not everyone on the women's tour has to work the diva angle -- much as that gives TCL something to do.)

And, in IOHO, her duds for this year's French Open were the extra little spark that got her the win.

See, Ivanovic lost the 2007 FO (to Justine Henin). Why? Because no way the pink-on-cabernet number she wore was going to get her more than a lousy silver platter. Not paired with black socks and white court-shorties, anyway.

But the little number above has some sass! Especially because of the bubbly melon color.

Speaking of bubbles, we're not big fans of bubble hemlines (which make us think of maternity clothes. Or desperate-for-an-idea fashion designers). But this bubble skirt works -- the bubble is a tiny bubble, which added a little bit o' flirt to the skirt.

Not that Ana needed any help in that department.

Dinara Safina: Into the White

2008-06-05T14:26:00.006-04:00

Dinara Safina reached her first Grand Slam final Thursday with a straight-set victory over fellow Russian ugly duckling Svetlana Kuznetsova.

The yeah-baby! kicker is that the always-on-the-verge-of-chunky Safina reached the semis by detonating on two of her Motherland's hottest blond bombshells -- Maria Sharapova in the fourth round and Elena Dementieva in the quarterfinals.

TCL just wishes someone -- her former-coach mom! her smoking hot, one-time men's No. 1 brother! -- had warned Dinara: No tighty tennis whities!

The scourge of the less-than-slender, white is especially dangerous for someone whose proclivity toward cankles rivals that of former chubby Lindsay Davenport.

Then there's the TMI Factor: Petty pants or no, we don't want to see what's up under that nasty, wet turquoise flap.

Finally, cotton makes sweathogs of us all. Safina has raked in over $3.3 mil in career earnings -- she couldn't get sponsor Adidas to outfit her in ClimaCool?

Then again, we're assuming Safina cares.

Could be she's just reaching out to fans in her native Russia, where looking good while wearing little isn't exactly a priority.

Rafael Nadal's Game: Matched Sets

2008-06-04T13:23:00.007-04:00

Rafael Nadal has made it through to the semifinals at Roland Garros. On the verge of tying Bjorn Borg's record of four consecutive French Open titles, Rafa has beaten each of his opponents in straight sets.

And the Spanish clay-courter has done so, notably, in matching sets.

We love the neon-green-on-gray look here, especially how it plays off the red clay. TCL lives to coordinate -- so we appreciate the lengths to which Nadal has gone to match every item he's wearing (except the knee tape).

That said, has there ever been another man on tour this fussy?

Also, dear god, when will he ditch the shortpants? Four years after his first knickers-wearing French Open win, he's still got them on.

There was talk in 2005 that he might popularize the fashion. Why hasn't that happened?

For starters, they aren't comfortable. Not quite as "nut-hugging" as baseball and football pants, these bottoms don't have as much give, either. The knees taper, which might be good should he need a tourniquet but inhibits running, bending and stretching. And despite their Nike origins, they plainly don't wick away sweat. (To see what we mean, check out this gallery.)

Worst of all, they've helped to create tennis' most infamous neurosis -- the Nadal butt-pick. (Click here for the Spaniard's explanation for his peculiar predilection. Go here for Robin Soderling's savage on-court imitation.)

We're all for individual style in sports, but maybe this wasn't the fashion statement Nadal meant to make.

Will Kimbo Slice Cut and Run?

2008-05-27T00:03:00.003-04:00

Kimbo Slice graces the cover the most recent "ESPN The Mag" for an in-your-face preview of the rather air-brushed profile of the MMA favorite that's inside.

The story of his journey from homelessness to fight-club superstar and budding entrepeneur was interesting enough. But more curious is Kimbo's appearance as a presenter at the Academy of Country Music Awards.

In the wildly popular sport of mixed martial arts, Mr. Slice owns a corner of the market on the mixed part: he mixes a little ZZ Top with a dash of Cosby, a healthy pinch of Mr. T and some not-nearly-ironic-enough zest of Mel Brooks.

What you can't see from the screen grab above is that he's also wearing blinding white sneakers and leaning on a wooden cane.

What at first looks like a haphazard ensemble, pieces of which he plucked willy nilly from the racks of his local Salvation Army store while wearing those very sunglasses on second thought makes a certain sort of sense.

Should things get dicey as he wades through the award show crowd on his way home, he's perfectly outfitted either to beat back the all-white Southern horde or make a run for it.

Low-Key Livin' with Laird Hamilton

2008-05-20T02:55:00.000-04:00

What does Laird Hamilton have in common with Venus Williams and Stephon Marbury?

Wow, that's a stumper -- until you learn about his childhood. Surfing's ultra-laid-back über-dude also grew up poor, which prompted him to partner with Steve & Barry's to offer a line of surf and summer wear at bargain prices.

Joining Marbury's Starbury line and Venus' EleVen is Hamilton's Wonderwall collection.

TCL visited his site, but it took a while to find the clothes ... maybe because we kept getting distracted by Laird's chiseled everything. (See other examples of his states of undress here and here.)

The photo above shows LH at the NYC offices of ESPN The Mag, where he dropped in unannounced to hang out awhile and ponder his Wonderwall line.

Billowy, oversized clothing is usually a sign. Whether of insecurity with the extended state of one's abdomen or of just plain slob-itude, it's never a good sign. But we like the teeny stripe with this yellow, and the too-bigness on Laird just strikes us as part of his low-key approach to life. He probably even has flip-flops on.

It's hard to picture anyone in Manhattan looking so relaxed.

Which makes it seem kinda, you know, ANAL to wish he'd do something with those bangs.

Daily Diva: Anna Kournikova 2.0

2008-05-16T12:08:00.004-04:00

How have we survived without our bi-monthly check-in on tennis' once-former, part-time, semi-Russian goddess?

Well, it's just been hand-to-mouth, hasn't it?

The happy news for sports fashionistas is the relaunch of Kournikova.com -- which means 1) more Anna news and photos for her 340,000 registered Kourn-Dogs; 2) more public appearances for the making of said news and photos; and 3) more come-hither hilarity. (Noted in the site intro: "... I hope you guys come again!")

In her latest blog tease, Anna notes that she's off to Miami for Karl Lagerfeld's Chanel Cruise Collection show.

We wondered whether Miss Thang might be doing a little cruising of her own, seeing as how she keeps turning down marriage proposals from Enrique. She showed up in South Beach looking like every suburban housewife's nightmare of her husband's secretary -- after he, um, gets done at the office.

Before unbuttoning for the camera, Anna already looked stunning. (Check out the full-length photos in the previous link.) The simplicity of the white-on-black perfectly positioned between her long, blond ponytail and her longer, athletic legs -- a Kournikova.com 2.0 traffic jam in the making.

And only someone this fit, long and lean can get away with those faux-gladiator heels. Britney Spears or Lindsay Lohan wearing them? Snickers all around at GoFugYourself.

With gams this great, Anna could prob'ly get away with wearing even the hokiest of Chanel chic.

Just sickening, isn't it?

Erin Andrews: A Portrait of Inspiration

2008-05-13T20:32:00.005-04:00

America's Sexiest Sportscaster, Erin Andrews, appeared on CNBC's "Big Idea" last week as a guest expert on a segment about becoming a millionaire.

A clip from the interview is featured as the quote of the day, billed as "the daily inspiration you need to make your American Dream a reality."

In it Andrews talks about her big break in sports, um, journalism. A former Florida Gator dance squad member, Andrews auditioned for the studio host spot on TBS's MLB show. She was the worst of all the candidates, she said, and didn't know a thing about baseball.

So how'd she get the job? "I looked right into the camera and I said, 'Because I'm the best you're gonna find.'"

Okay, first, wait ... is Erin Andrews a millionaire?

Then, does the current Miss A.S.S. think she landed the job because of her misplaced confidence?

TCL wonders who exactly will be inspired by Andrews' story. Maybe other scorching-hot-but-otherwise-unqualified megababes? Hmmm?

Of course, it always helps to wear primary colors -- which men fall for in the same way they love hot dogs, cheap beer and fart jokes.

And a few ruffles don't hurt.

They create a certain girlishness that takes attention away from a hairdo that suggests Andrews just rolled out of the bed.

Or off the casting couch.

Big Fan: Robert Downey Jr.

2008-05-05T16:37:00.002-04:00

Robert Downey Jr. tore a couple hours away from plugging "Iron Man" to watch the Lakers' own man of steel, Kobe Bryant, take on the Utah Jazz in their second-round series opener.

TCL has a soft spot for this older, almost grizzled (and hopefully chemical-free) RDJ. Especially since the actor often finds room for the dandy in his characters. (Not only in "Iron Man," but his Paul Avery in "Zodiac," the hirsute hermit in "Fur" and his quiet role in "Good Night, And Good Luck." Did it all start with Downey's star-turn as Charlie Chaplin, another famous clothes horse?)

Anywhoooo.

The threads Mr. Iron Man wore to the Lakers game Sunday deserve a turn of their own. We'll entirely forgive the indoor sunglasses because of the fabulous jacket -- a fitted gray pinstripe with the unexpected emerald paisley collar.

We're lukewarm about the, ahem, amulet -- too Hollywood for us. But, hey, it is Staples Center.

Still, the white tee and bleach-creased jeans un-fuss-ify the jacket, and voila! The sorta fussy RDJ fits right in among Los Angeles fans.

ROY Kevin Durant Goes All BMOC

2008-05-01T19:31:00.011-04:00

Kevin Durant has finally graduated.

Fans have been tormented for months by the endless loop of NBA commercials, especially the tinkling of the ivories ads that have as many variations on a theme as Mastercard's coma-inducing "priceless" campaign.

But the commercial starring the Sonics rookie guard graduating from one jersey to another got a little old, too.

So, it's reassuring to see Durant grow beyond his uniform.

Our first impression of Durant's suit -- admittedly, through our bleary, pre-caffeine, night-owl eyes -- was something like, "Is that pink ... and red? AND blue? AND WHITE?" A power tie and kerchief atop pink-n-white, wrapped in the calming big check of the coat? You only get that kind of jarring cognitive dissonance from a Rupert Murdoch smile or seeing Ann Coulter plowing into some comfort food.

But after our first afternoon double-sugar doubleshot, Durant's ensemble started to make more sense. In larger photos, the check stripe is revealed as pink-ish enough to tie all those colors together. It's such a sophisticated look, you half-expect to see Tom Wolfe's head at the top.

Wethinks K-Smooth got an assist from the dressers at Seattle's David Lawrence.

We're okay with that -- Durant's a rookie, after all.

TCL would have voted for the Atlanta Hawks' Al Horford as this season's ROY, but we're okay with the hardware going to KD.

The award could easily have gone to Houston's Luis Scola, who's had an outstanding season in the low-post for the Yao-less Rockets.

But, you know, somehow the big Argentine doesn't strike us as a sartorial sophisticate.

Cory Hart Sighting: Kenny Mayne

2008-04-27T13:11:00.003-04:00

Kenny Mayne must be in familiar territory this week with the release of his new book -- off on his own, cracking jokes, with no one paying attention.

Amazon.com paid notice, but maybe not the kind Mayne would like. Its reviewer called "An Incomplete & Inaccurate History of Sports" "overbearing" and "stale," adding that the intermittent "SportsCenter" anchor's book is full of "relentless, tiresome attempts at generating laughter."

Somebody had to say it.

Someone also might advise him to ditch the sunglasses. It's dopey enough when athletes wear them inside or at night or for reasons other than to shade their peepers, but it's insufferable coming from sports media types, who wear them hoping maybe sports fans will stop them and say, "Hey! Aren't you ... uh ... someone?"

Mayne wears shades in five of the video clips from his "author" page at Random House. In three of the clips, it looks like a mid-autumn day on the coast of Maine -- windy, salty and unrelentingly gray. And he's alone on the beach with his daughters. Cool, dude -- you rock.

He's also donned glasses for his book jacket. What kind of marketing strategy is that? Your big mug on the cover, but you're not going to look us in the eye?

Maybe we're being a little hard on him. Maybe he's wearing sunglasses on the cover because he knows just how lame the book is. Maybe he's planning to leave the shades at home when he writes a real book.

Kobe Bryant: Mad for Plaid

2008-04-27T02:38:00.006-04:00

During the regular season, when TCL was working on a story that involved attending a Nets game (hack-cough-choke), we ran into THE Darryl Dawkins climbing out of his Rolls behind Izod Center. Wearing a billowy silk top and trousers, all a distressing shade of fushia, Dawkins may have been trying out a new nickname -- Raspberry Thunder.

It was just the sort of, um, colorful outfit that reminds us that Mr. Thunder came of age in the mid-70s -- smacked upside the head by monochrome leisure suits, "Saturday Night Fever"/"Superfly," and Walt "Clyde" Frazier.

Why did this image crop up from out of the ... well, pink? "Black Mamba" has gone mad for plaid.

We would linger a little longer on the wrongness of this fashion outing, particularly how The Kobester looks less "Shaft" and more Hopelessly Nerdy Sports Announcer. Also, how Bryant just doesn't have the strong features, personality nor bigger-than-life size to carry off such a bold pattern.

But that might be a teensy bit mean, considering he likely "dressed up" for this occasion and not to impress reporters or lil ol' TCL at the Lakers' post-game presser.

LeBron: Lukewarm Playoff Showing

2008-04-25T23:20:00.005-04:00

LeBron James wasn't feelin' it Thursday, scoring a piddly 22 points and grabbing a measly seven rebounds in the Cavaliers' 108-72 meltdown in Washington in Game 3 of the Wizards-Cavs series.

Even if TCL hadn't suffered through the game, we would have known King James was having a halfhearted sort of day by what he wore to the press conference afterward.

We've always liked LBJ's style. Smooth. Regal without being coy. Classic, even with a finger splint.

But this sports coat, with its elephant-ears lapels, over the open-collared two-tone dress shirt? Eh, whatever.

The jacket was much better worn with this ensemble, where the focus shifts away from those way too old-school lapels.

Still, it's nice to witness "The Chosen One" in the same clothes over and over. Kinda reassuring for us plebes, don't you think?

Nike: The Sleeping Giant

2008-04-24T22:30:00.007-04:00

The behemoth of athletic-shoe advertising is hibernating through one of the greatest MVP races ever -- when T. H. R. E. E. of the company's celeb endorsers are among the top four candidates.

This NBA season has been one of the most exciting -- and popular -- in recent history, so Nike's silence has been a head-scratcher. No campaigns like last year's "We Are All Witnesses" blitz? No hyping of the planned May 1 release of MVP fav Chris Paul's signature shoe?

The Oregon-based sportswear giant also has co-fav Kobe Bryant under contract. But is Nike pushing Black Mamba's Zoom Kobe III this postseason? Nope. Instead, Nike's gone viral with its lightweight "Hyperdunk," using Kobe in a clever YouTube video for a shoe that won't be released until July -- just in time for the Beijing Olympics.

LeBron James is now a dark-horse candidate for MVP (since the Cavs sucks so bad). But the "King" was a popular choice for most of the season -- where was Nike? (If the company is putting all its jock-eggs in one Olympics basket, looks like LeBron could be the first egg to spoil.)

Kevin Garnett, TCL's personal favorite for MVP (those with actual votes hate team-oriented players, which is why KG will only win Defensive POY), hasn't been a Nike dude since December 2000. Really, what was Nike thinking then? And, with KG's green No. 5 as the best-selling jersey and after he received more votes in All-Star balloting than any other player by far, who's sorry now?

Yes, so, as we were saying, Nike is seriously missing the boat.

That said, as NBA fans, isn't it sorta nice that this season hasn't been awash in commercial hype?

Jeans Genies for the NBA

2008-04-11T03:29:00.002-04:00

Will Brett Favre still wear Wranglers in retirement? TCL has a notion our favorite 39-year-old senior citizen will switch back to his Levis once that endorsement deal expires.

It'll be easy enough since Favre is just 6-foot-2 and 222 pounds -- he can pluck a few pairs from the Levis cubbies at his local JCPenney's. (You know that's where he goes when Deanna's not looking.)

For NBA players, JCP's and other department stores lost their appeal once "long" jeans stopped way short of fitting their super-sized, jumbo-tall, often bootylicious physiques. Which was prob'ly around eighth grade.

Like Brett Favre, Kevin Willis has headed into retirement only recently -- and reluctantly. (The one-time All-Star signed with the Mavs at the end of last season; at 44, he was the oldest active player at the time.)

Unlike Favre, this near 7-footer had planned for his AARP years by majoring in fashion design in college. Later, he decided to hell with retail, he'd make his own jeans -- and sell them to other NBA players with the same super-tall-booty bods.

Willis and another ex-NBAer, Ralph Walker, started Willis & Walker in 1988, and last year expanded their line of ginormous-dude designer jeans.

These are not your usual Big & Tall denims. No blue bleeding into the washer. No unintentionally saggy butts. No buttons for the attaching of rainbow suspenders. Sold for $195 a pair, W & W's jeans have an urban edginess tempered by the softness of an Italian denim -- and they've attracted over 100 NBA clients, including a Ford Focus-worth of Pistons, Raptors coach Sam Mitchell, Charleses Oakley and Barkley (the latter of whom he wishes would get a makeover) ... oh, yeah, and that MJ character.

Even Yao Ming is a W & W man. Willis said that while jeans for the average Brett Favre-sized man might use 2¼ yards of material, Yao's sequioa-like 7-foot-6, 310-pound self requires 3½ yards.

Willis has always been interested in style, once even playing NBA Fashion Cop for USAToday. God love him -- he advised athletes to nix their shades unless they're trying to keep the sun out of their eyes.

It takes a big man to admit his love of fashion. So only someone of gargantuan proportions would devote himself to it. Kevin Willis has grown even beyond that, helping other big dudes look even sharper than Brett Favre no doubt will when he finally gets out of those Wranglers.

A-Rod: Can Buy Me Dull

2008-03-18T21:03:00.006-04:00

"Upwardly mobile" never goes out of style. But TCL wonders whether the uppermost among us at some point lose their stylistic moves.

Check out Alex Rodriguez in the latest "Men's Vogue."

Dude reels in, per his new deal with the Yanks, $27.5M a year. The richest contract in Major League Baseball history. And that's not to mention the green he banks from endorsements. With all that honey, he aspires to look like Über-WASP?

Fashion snarkmeisters love "nouveau riche" jocks like Allen Iverson, Shaquille O'Neal and Chad Johnson, but TCL wonders whether A-Rod's ho-hum style is any better -- regardless of how fine the twill and cut.

Sports fans are just as starstruck as celebrity watchers, and just as curious about (titillated by?) their idols' personal styles.

We hope that what jocks wear off the court says something, for better or worse, about who they are. (Which was why "Stray-Rod" made the Bombers' third baseman seem more, not less, likeable.)

If one's sartorial choices don't tell a little something about oneself, maybe there's no real person there to speak of.

If that's true of A-Rod, he might as well be Derek Jeter.

Bron-Bron Again & Again

2008-03-14T15:56:00.008-04:00

Check out LeBron James on the cover of Vogue's April issue.

We're not sure what LBJ is screaming about there, though. Maybe Gisele did some hollering of her own, since she -- not "King James" -- had to hop a plane to do the shoot. And she landed in, um, Akron. ("Where?" she said.) In Ohio. ("Like I said..." said she.)

Since northern Ohio is still up to its onions in the snow that fell there last week, we wonder if Gisele swapped her citified high-heeled boots for her BFF Tom Brady's blue-collar knit cap.

In another LeBron note, our feature story on James and his new Cavaliers teammates was highlighted on NBA.com on Thursday and Friday. Attention must be paid!

Keyshawn Johnson: Fashion Middleman

2008-02-04T04:34:00.000-05:00

We love Keyshawn Johnson. The former Jets/Bucs/Boys/Panthers WR hooked up with ESPN this fall as an analyst, and is totally underrated.

Definitely underrated. But also stifled.

Why? In spite of his rep as irrepressibly honest and selfish, the guy responsible for "Just Give Me the Damn Ball" has learned to bow to power. During segments when he was paired with his former coach, Bill Parcells, you saw his gears grind when asked to play Devil's Advocate to Parcells' Dalai Lama: "Hmm, do I say how FOS Parcells is? Or do I toe the Tuna-is-Truth line and avoid conflict -- and possibly gain good will?"

Literary types would call 2007-08 the year of Keyshawn's coming of age ... or loss of innocence.

Fortunately for the naive (yes, that's TCL), "irrepressible" is the key word in all things Keyshawn.

On Sunday, he wore this scarf on the set of ESPN's post-game Super Bowl show.

Fashion faux pas?

It's easy to think so, considering the blogosphere beat-down Tom Brady took when he affected this look last year.

But here's the thing: Now that trendsetters Tom Terrific and David Beckham have braved the hyper-critical world of wannabe manly-men sports fans with the Euro knotted-scarf look, Keyshawn can do it as a sort of middleman-of-fashion rather than as metrosexual "Me-shawn."

So, never mind that green and red and oatmeal don't necessarily highlight the handsome navy pin-striped suit Keyshawn wore on the set.

The scarf and its turtleneck effect complimented Johnson's boyish good looks, kept him warm and revealed a part of Keyshawn that's still alive and well -- his adventurous and fun and very personal spirit.

Jealousy is a Pink-Eyed Monster

2008-01-31T19:11:00.000-05:00

For Super Bowl coverage this week, most media guys are wearing their all-outs in Arizona. Other media guys get just as duded up because they wish they were in Arizona.

We like Brian Kenny, sincerely. Mostly because of his boxing coverage, and for what must be the difficult job of playing the straight man to Max Kellerman.

But we wonder about his pink-on-pink here. WTF?

Is he telling us that he's Man Enough, even though he's stuck in Bristol with all the other non-NFL-thus-non-masculine folks?

Is it Studio Spirit Week at the HD desk, and he wore something to match the the background lighting?

Or maybe he's subbing for Digger Phelps on College Hoops Tonight.

Good luck finding a substitute pink highlighter. Maybe he could ask to borrow one from those wimps on the MLB desk.

Tom Brady: Sleepy in Scottsdale

2008-01-31T17:59:00.001-05:00

Super Bowl week(s) is the perfect time of year to see NFL and media types in their best duds. Even Bill "Rockin' the Hoodie" Belichick was caught in a lovely dark tan suit with a snappy yellow tie.

Sometimes, though, what the fellas think of as sharp maybe oughtta be okay'd by an Official NFL/NFL Media Dresser. (That person should not be the same person who applies Cindy Brunson's makeup, seconds Deion Sanders' satorial choices or allows Barry Melrose to go around in public looking like that.)

The top contender for today's questionable call is no less than Gisele's honeyboy, the megababe Tom Brady. (Known to those with man-crushes as the undefeated New England Patriots QB and 2007-08 MVP.)

THIS is the outfit he wore to Thursday's presser -- his post-pajamas, gotta-go-get-the-mail-but-nowhere-else outfit.

Sometimes we think Mr. Brady goes out of his way to be homely -- just to make fun of his image as the Super-Hot Metro-Model Tom Terrific. You know, like when he wears a beautifully tailored navy suit to a post-game press conference, then tops it with a sweaty cuff cap pulled down to his eyelids. (Is there an emoticon for eye-rolling we can insert here?)

Today's gray sweatshirt isn't quite that twee, but it's close. Doesn't he look tired, thin and dare we say wan in that shade? Especially with his current case of bed-head.

If we weren't all "Honey, why don't you come back to bed," we'd maybe think the snooze-effect of weeks of repetitive and lame questions from just-as-bored reporters had taken its toll -- and young Tom only rolled out of the sack this morning to take care of business.

LaDainian Tomlinson Dresses the Part

2008-01-07T07:33:00.000-05:00

So he was 42-on-21 in Sunday's AFC wild-card game, with a semi-dubious second-chance TD call that put the match out of reach for the upstart Titans. LaDainian Tomlinson showed up at the post-game presser looking like the field leader the Chargers have long been waiting for.

Forget those vests-and-shirtsleeves ensembles of yore. When it comes to moving his team deeper into the playoffs, Tomlinson is serious.

Thick-cabled-sports-coat-over-vertical-corded-turtleneck-sweater serious.

Black-on-gray-with-a-little-sparkle-from-his-diamond-ear-studs serious.

LT's not kidding, y'all.

Philip Rivers finally stepped up in the clutch, but who can trust a guy that wears un-ironed, unbuttoned and untidy blue-n-white plaid shirts to meet the press after the biggest win of his career? Not even regular-guy Brett Favre gets that WT.

Tom Brady might be the NFL MVP and the league's hottest metrosexual, but LT has worked his way to the top pretty much on his own. Now he's wearing that maturity, so to speak, on his sleeve.

Someone Get Jason Kidd a Razor, Please

2008-01-07T00:39:00.000-05:00

Jason Kidd is growing something on his upper lip. TCL doesn't know what it is yet, so we had to imagine how it might one day turn out.

Kidd can take solace that just a week or so into his dubious exp-hair-iment, at least his semi-'stache isn't as cheesy as Adam Morrison's.

We're not sure what's gotten into the Nets PG. Did he fall in love with his milk mustache? Or maybe Bad Wade whispered a dare into his ear, "DO IT! DO IT!"

Or, is Kidd after that bald-black-men-with-mustaches look a la Charles Barkley, Stephon Marbury and Shaquille O'Neal?

Whatever. Kidd's mid-growth tickler ain't sexy and it ain't bad-ass. The way it's settling in, he's quickly looking less Clyde Drexler and more Victor Conte.

Please, Vince Carter! We beg you, Richard Jefferson! Lawrence Frank, take pity! Get your man a Schick Quattro quick! The NBA has taken "retro" as far as it can go (don't even get us started on the Lakers' retro shorts). The last thing the league or the Nets need is a throwback mustache that reminds us of 1970s porn studs.

Annika Kicks Some Sex Kitten Butt

2007-12-19T15:36:00.000-05:00

Annika Sorenstam defended her title at the Dubai Ladies Masters on Sunday, shooting a 70 in the last round for a 10-under 278.

Of the Tres Chic Amigas, only Anna Rawson made it to the tournament, made the cut and played out four rounds. (Unlike Natalie Gulbis and Sophie Sandolo.) Rawson, new owner of an LPGA tour card, finished with a 17-over 305. The kind of numbers that take the "smokin'" away from her "hot."

Much as TCL admires Annika, we almost wish she'd learn a little something from Las Chicas before leaving them in her dust. Like, some mascara and a touch of lipstick won't imperil her athleticism.

Oh, oh, oh, no protests that she's not interested in fashion! Au contraire! Ms. Sorenstam has her own apparel line, and dirties her hands to help design it.

Sure, her line is High Jock, not haute couture. The intents behind the designs seem bent on: 1) the practical needs of a golfer; 2) having bold, masculine lines and cuts; but 3) not too masculine; and finally, 4) please, no fussy, "girly" stuff either.

All those collars! All that avoidance of pink! The clothes say more about Annika's particular predilections than she does.

We don't care what team she bats for. We just don't want her to look like she's taking style tips from Aaron Baddeley while she does it.

David Garrard: A 101.6 QB Rating Ain't Enough

2007-12-19T07:30:00.000-05:00

TCL knew the whole Dwyane Wade chapeau thing could get out of hand. Alas, the virus has infected the NFL.

Pair one over-the-top accessory choice with a league populated by men whose sense of style has evolved little beyond the 1970s, and what you get is David Garrard.

The Jacksonville Jags QB appeared at his post-game presser dressed for the "Back to the Future" version of "American Gangster."

If the Jags had coughed up a hairball, instead of winning, against the Steelers on Sunday, would Garrard have brought along a Tommy gun?

Note to Mr. Garrard: A good rule of thumb for "extras": One thing at a time. The pink tie with the Diddy-puffed knot was plenty. Anything more and things start turning a little too Pachuco.

There's nothing wrong with expressing oneself through one's style of dress. But speak softly. Don't get all hysterical about it.

Note to Mr. Wade: Knock it off with the hats, already.

Ex-MLB Hurler Pitches the Nutty Buddy

2007-12-16T07:37:00.000-05:00

Think of Mark Littell as the Bob Mackie of athletic cups.

The former Royals and Cards pitcher has designed a protective cup, the "Nutty Buddy," that's so different than what you'll find at your local Dick's that companies like Bike Athletic see the departure as too radical.

But as trendsetters must, Littell is willing to take some risks to pitch his idea. Or pitch AT his idea. (Warning: The sound effects in this video clip may induce wincing.)

As you can see, the NB's design differs, first, in its protective capacities. (Even so, TCL remains doubtful about taking a fastball to Jimmy & The Boys.)

Then, remember that cup insert you were supposed to wear for high school sports? The one that felt like you had an inverted bicycle seat in your pants? The one that, if your dad forced you to actually use it, you nudged and poked and pulled at for 40 seconds of every minute, trying to find its mythical comfort zone?

Well, fuggedaboutit! Littell's design is anatomically correct (how radical!), and way more cozy.

TCL loves designers willing to work outside the box to give customers what they need. As it is, since no sporting goods company has bought Littell's design, the 54-year-old Missouri native is selling various models of the Nutty Buddy through his Web site.

Still, we hope Littell's idea finds its way into stores. We can't wait for a time when we can take our son to the nearest Scheel's and ask him, in our most earnest parental tone, what size he needs, "The 'Hammer'? 'Boss'? 'Hog'? Surely you're not yet 'Mongo'-sized?"

Dubai Update: Natalie Gulbis Out of the Sand

2007-12-14T15:34:00.000-05:00

Our fondest wishes for a golf edition of the Williams sisters vs. Martina Hingis circa 1999-2000 took a blow today when American LPGA hottie Natalie Gulbis failed to make the cut at the Dubai Ladies Masters.

Gulbis shot an 8-over 152, two over the cut.

Anna Rawson is still in. After hacking out a 78 on Thursday, the Saucy Aussie came back Friday with a par-72. We knew Rawson prefers her clothing cut short and tight, but prob'ly she'd like a little more room on the golf course.

Italian tart Sophie Sandolo didn't make the trip to Dubai after suffering a neck and shoulder injury.

Alas! With just one fashion diva left playing, and her only by the elastic of her petty pants, TCL can't spend any more time checking in and reporting to you, dear reader.

Especially when the only pics coming out of Dubai feature the current leader, the apparently fashion averse Lisa Hall.

Hair Errant: Another Red-Headed Rachel Nichols

2007-12-14T08:24:00.000-05:00

Even one redheaded Rachel Nichols is too many. Now we have two.

TCL hasn't ever worked out why a woman would dye her hair some variation of scarily fake red. Whether the hue aspires to "auburn" or "deep strawberry blond" or "sassy ginger," the result always looks slightly "fright wig."

Let's get this straight, ladies: No dye job exists that credibly replicates real red hair.

So, to the latest redheaded Rachel Nichols, aspiring starlet and recurring sexpot, that brassy copper that has replaced your perfectly pretty blond hair will not turn you into Nicole Kidman.

As for the Rachel Nichols whose nasal whine makes her ESPN reports so unbearable, it's time for that dry burgandy thatch to go. Audrey Hepburn's auburn locks lent her girlishness an air of gravitas -- but her hair color was her own.

Can hair color make someone seem more serious? We're not sure. But we do know that whatever color Rachel Nichols' hair really is, having it back again would make her just a little bit less annoying.

David Beckham Gets All Sweaty in Vegas

2007-12-14T07:17:00.001-05:00

Should sports fans have any doubt which net David Beckham bends toward -- those new Armani shots of Laddie Galaxy do look a little, shall we say, Dolce & Gabbana -- here are Mr. and Mrs. Becks at a Las Vegas strip club Monday night, after The Spice Girls' concert.

It's prob'ly not Mike Tirico and Tony Kornheiser that have his attention.

And rumor has it the Beckhams' visit to Spearmint Rhino included spending three hours in a private room.

(Eewww, that's a little TMI for TCL.)

Whatever. Before that, Becks again turned out in shades of gray. (At the Mayweather-Hatton fight last weekend, he wore this natty English gray suit with a matching flannel tie.)

Gray works for Beckham, which is good since he wears it a lot. But this ensemble? We're not quite sure. Don't those dark stripes seem sorta sweaty? We guess that's why it's called a sweater.

Sexpots to Square Off in Dubai Ladies Masters

2007-12-06T22:33:00.000-05:00

Imagine all-time jock hotties David Beckham, Tom Brady and Dwyane Wade competing against each other in one tournament.

In women's golf, it's even better than that.

The Dubai Ladies Masters starts next week, Dec. 11-16, when the gods will bring together some of women's golf's most scandaliciously calendar-ready tarts.

The latest addition to the LPGA is Anna Rawson (pictured above). The Aussie's goal in Maxim-izing her talents? "(T)o make women's golf huge!"

Fellow Dubai contestant Sophie Sandolo hasn't cracked the LPGA yet, and TCL can't see the Italian earning exemptions to U.S. tournaments a la Michelle Wie. Cute plays well with marketers, but soft porn? Not so much.

American duffette Natalie Gulbis hasn't gone buff yet. And may not. The USGA banned her 2005 calendar for its smokin' hot bikini shots. Unfortunately, the floozy quotient of her latest calendar doesn't even compare.

Still, Gulbis insists she's not "re-vamping and de-vamping" her image. Which makes her entry in the Dubai event even more compelling.

There's nothing like extra sauce for spicing up an otherwise unwatchable tournament. But when one of the featured hot-tarts has her vamp on, well, let's just say Iraq won't be the only place in the Arab world in the middle of a firefight.

Best-Dressed Athletes: SI.com's Final Four

2007-12-05T03:32:00.000-05:00

And our four finalists for SI.com's Best-Dressed Athlete are:

From the Eastern bracket: New York Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez, a classic Armani guy with record-breaking good looks. (Should we test him for steroids?) Currently in the lead with 36 percent of 47,011 votes.

From the Southern bracket: Miami Heat guard Dwyane WAAAADE, whose penchant for cock-of-the-walk fedoras has earned him the unfortunate nickname "The Cat in the Hat." Snagged 25 percent.

From the Midwest: Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Terrell Owens, this tourney's Cinderella, having somehow edged perennial Hot Stuff Tom Brady. Trailing at 15 percent.

And from the Western bracket (he DOES play for the L.A. Galaxy...): The world's most major Boy Toy, David Beckham. Alive and kickin' at 23 percent. Oh, snap!

Please, dear readers, take a sec to gawk at the candidates -- we'll wait right here. ...

... Okay, you're back. Were you as troubled as TCL at the East Coast bias? State's evidence No. 1: Who's the only candidate shown looking relaxed in both dress clothes and biz-cazh? State's evidence No. 2: Who's the only "normal" guy? Your Honor, no other than A-Rod.

The T.O. photos show him behind sunglasses -- even inside, which strikes a chord of insecurity, even dishonesty.

And both DWade shots capture him pimpin' those chapeaus. 1) The hats themetize him so he looks not thoroughly turned out but costumed. 2) To regular-guy sports fans, DWade's toppers scream of overstylized gangster pretensions. 3) Among a certain ginormous demographic (say, the many SI.com voters who'd be proud to have a chip-off-the-old-block like this), Wade's hat-wearing swagger seems just a little too, well, black. (What? You think the white-guy editors never considered this? As Joan Rivers used to say: Oh, grow up!)

Finally, alas, poor Becks, heretofore acknowledged as one of the most stylish men in the world. Come now, don't laugh at Mr. Rumpledstiltedsweater -- divas do have bad days. (You know we could have found thousands more heinous fashion crimes to link to there....) Clearly this bias thing doesn't want to move too east -- say, to those cheeky Brits!

Hrmph! A-Rod already makes more money than God. Does he really need a fashion contest rigged in his honor?

Terry Francona Pulled Over for Pullover

2007-12-04T16:01:00.000-05:00

Major League Baseball has decided to do something about the scourge that is Terry Francona.

Looks like those pullovers the Red Sox manager wears have become Topic A at baseball's winter meetings, according to the Boston Herald, and MLB decided to outlaw them during games.

The league office has such great timing, too (as they did in banning steroids back in 1998...) -- Francona was just named Manager of the Year by Baseball America.

MLB argues that Francona's not the only offender; Blue Jays skipper John Gibbons and Indians manager Eric Wedge also flout the rule that they must wear uni tops just like their players.

It might be said that pullovers keep out the draft in the dugout, or that none of the offending skippers looks nearly as sartorially challenged as Bill Belichick. And we're not even going to get into the rationale behind dressing distinguished older gents, the supposed leaders of men, as if they might be called out from the bullpen in a pinch.

All those arguments might be made. But TCL won't go there.

Instead, we'll point out that the "Francona Rule" was handed down from a guy whose sense of style makes such declarations seem perfectly reasonable.

Tiki Barber Speaks Style to Power

2007-12-04T02:09:00.000-05:00

Seems the hapless Giants have taken the advice of another classic example of ironic self-deception -- Milli Vanilli: "Gotta blame it on something. Blame it on the rain. Blame it on the stars. Whatever you do, don't put the blame on you."

Point the finger at their clueless head coach? Nope. A porous offensive line? Sorry. Predictable play-calling? Uh-uh. An immature Eli Manning? Not really. A coaching staff that hasn't lifted a finger to help Manning's maturity along? Never.

Instead, the Giants have blamed the pitiful performance of their offense on Tiki Barber.

As far as TCL is concerned, the only thing Tiki can be blamed for is vastly improving the fashion quotient at NBC, where he's a correspondent for "Today" and an analyst for "Football Night in America."

If the perfect coordination of the colors and patterns in the suit pictured above don't convince you of Tiki's (and his wife's) sublime style sense, consider the following vid-clip from "Project Runway," where contestants have to design dreaded menswear items for our short, thick-necked and big-butted friend:

As for the G-Men, they still have the 'Skins, the Iggles and the Pats against whom they could prove they're not quite as half-assed as we all long ago concluded they were.

Hair Errant: 'Do Debut for Aaron Rodgers

2007-12-03T18:27:00.000-05:00

The backup QB famous for having zero chance of replacing his team's starter finally got the nod: Aaron Rodgers played two and a half quarters Thursday for ironman Brett Favre, who left with a separated shoulder and a strained elbow.

And word is, Rodgers was impressive.

TCL watched (thanks to the ginormous satellites in Secaucus), and it's true the Packers' 2005 first-round pick wasn't an embarrassment -- the usual result when perennial clipboard-holders suddenly have to play.

The same could not be said for Rodgers' haircut.

The question must be asked: Why would he do that?

He looks perfectly reasonable in his team photo. Does he think resembling David Carr circa the 2003 Houston Texans is a good idea? Even Carr had second thoughts about his long locks -- he cut them in 2005 after a teammate called him "cute."

TCL has a few theories about Rodgers' hair, um, style:

He was tired of pats on the head from Favre, and thought he'd look meaner with a shaggy 'do.

He was sick of comparisons to BF, and wanted to separate himself from his ultra-hot, manly man teammate.

Exasperated by Wisconsin's slow, cold-weather culture, Rodgers decided to shake things up a la Jake Plummer.

he's going through that period of laziness most young men experience as undergrads, when they shave once every couple weeks and stop cutting their hair.

Whatever. We never thought we'd say this, having wanted the Old Man to retire every year for the last five years, but at least for the maturation process of Aaron Rodgers to move along a little further, we were just thrilled to hear that Favre won't miss his 250th consecutive start on Friday against the Raiders.

Hair Errant: Drew Gooden Flirts with Pollardity

2007-11-29T07:30:00.000-05:00

Drew Gooden first drew attention not for his basketball acumen but for what TCL took to calling his "dork patch."

The Cavs F explained that he wanted to grow a "duck tail" -- by which we think he meant a 1980s rat tail (or, for you sick-of-yuppies New Yorkers, a "Gucci tail") rather than a 1950s Elvis-style greaser 'do. Especially since Gooden said he'd wanted to braid it, load it with beads and dye the tip blond. (Where IS that eye-roll emoticon when you need it???)

If Gooden didn't sufficiently explain the appearance of The Patch, whispers in the blogosphere had it that he bitch-pinched that swatch of hair from the head of Rasheed Wallace.

Whatever. We were relieved when it died a long-overdue death as of last summer. ... And wouldn't you know, just in time for Gooden, along with his BFF DeShawn Stevenson, to hatch a hair-brained beard-growing contest. (Heavy sigh.)

It's not as if Gooden hadn't ever considered growing a wild-n-crazy beard. In fact, one look at the documentary evidence shows he's been dying to broaden his beardedness for years.

Thing is, the Cavaliers have already held one Drew Gooden is Bald Day, and entirely too many usually right-thinking folks lost their heads in the festivities.

With this sort of encouragement, Gooden isn't likely to stop the madness.

If he wants to go all let's-get-bushy a la Boston's 2004 "Idiots," that's something he ought to save for May. (Should Cleveland make it to the playoffs.)

If Gooden is just amusing himself one degree short of Scot Pollard (also witness his soul honky-ness here and here), that might be kinda fun for a dude whose ass is glued to the bench.

But if Gooden wants to 1) do a passable job of replacing the resplendent Carlos Boozer (whom the Cavs DID act like idiots in losing to the Jazz); 2) aid a way over-worked and frustrated LeBron James return Cleveland to the playoffs; and 3) become a player memorable for something more than his follicular novelty act, then it's time to put away childish vanities.

Drew Gooden, you are not at Kansas anymore.

Joakim Noah: The Not-So-Prodigal Son

2007-11-28T06:31:00.000-05:00

Joakim Noah wants you to think he's as awesomely hip as his dad, the French tennis yummy Yannick Noah. But, sad to say, he's not.

Yeah, so, okay, he's got the stones to wear some wild hair. And he's not afraid to go public in pj's that, um, challenge the status quo.

Still, TCL wonders if Joakim's I'm-as-fab-as-my-dad hijinx have been a put-on.

TheClothezline's Exhibit No. 1: Despite his high profile after the Florida Gators won the 2006 NCAA championship, the gawky 6'8" junior stayed in school for his senior year. A wise choice for a guy who's more the new-school, multicultural answer to Protestant New England's Ichabod Crane than a ready-for-primetime baller.

TCLE No. 2: Noah the Younger applied for (and was recently granted) French citizenship so he could play for France's national team, along with San Antonio's Tony Parker, come Olympic-qualifying time. WTF?! First of all, dude was born and raised in NYC. Also, even if his dad is half-French, he's also half-Camaroonian -- which means that since his mom is Swedish, Joakim should have applied for Swedish citizenship if he was really concerned with being in touch with his ethnic origins.

TCLE No. 3: The French news agency AFP ran a story yesterday about Joakim in which he remembered rooting against his dad at tennis tournaments so that kids at school wouldn't compare him to Yannick the Yawesome.

We've read Jeff Pearlman's bio of Barry Bonds, so we understand how rough it is for the spawn of superstars to carve out their own space in sports.

But if Joakim means to make his own way in the world, then we'd appreciate if he would 1) play some better hoops, and 2) stop trying to trade on his dad's absolute fabulous-ness.

The next thing you know, he'll follow in the footsteps of both his dad and Parker, and release his own Frenchified pop music CD.

Mon Dieu!

Metrosexuals in the City: Sean Avery

2007-11-21T16:39:00.001-05:00

Why does Men's Vogue feature Brendan Shanahan looking all natty in Gianfranco Ferre in its December mag, but online all we get is this? A sweater that looks as if it were pulled out of an Odd Lots bin, tucked into the Rangers winger's game pants.

When we want to see jocks in their work clothes, we'll read SI.

Whatever. Shanahan is no Becks anyway. So we thought we'd show the 20-year NHL veteran in his natural state. Bloody, and toothless.

Shanahan's teammate, Sean Avery, also landed in December's "other" mags. The Rangers' left winger is one of People's 2007 Sexiest Men Alive. (Actually, he's off in a side yard called "Sexy Scars.")

We're sure Avery made the list only because he's now playing in New York. It also helps to hobnob with the rags crowd. And hang out at Fashion Week. Oh, yeah, and tell the NYTimes Mag that hockey bores him, and he wants to be a fashion designer.

TCL hopes Avery takes our teasing lightly, because we think he looks fab in this gray and sky-blue windowpane plaid.

(Also because Avery's known to be fiesty, and admits to having Short-Man's Syndrome....)

Given Avery's keen fashion sense and his New York social calendar, it's a good thing the Rangers' new enforcer doesn't get worked up over the term "metrosexual."

Jean-Claude Killy: The Genius of Pre-Retro-Chic

2007-11-20T05:51:00.000-05:00

Jean-Claude Killy is celebrating his 31st year in the winter-gear fashion world just as France is about to honor the 40th anniversary of the Grenoble Olympics, where Killy swept the Alpine events to earn three gold medals.

TCL hasn't figured it out yet, but after he retired in 1968 at 24, Killy somehow became a fashion icon. We'll have to trust GQ, which lists him among its 50 Most Stylish Men, because we never found a photo of the Frenchman looking even remotely Oh la la! (So just deal with the old SI cover photo, all right?)

Just as we scratched our heads about Killy's alleged sex appeal, TCL wondered exactly why he continues to pedal ski apparel -- or even skiing, really.

Isn't, like, global warming kinda sort of, you know, cutting in on profits?

Last year World Cup races in Europe were canceled for lack of snow, and climate experts warn that the Alps especially are suffering from the higher temps -- at twice the rate of the world's other ski areas.

According to the Nobel Prize committee, that's not exactly fashion-forward.

Hey, wait just a minute! Does Jean-Claude know something we at TCL don't?

Hmmm ... think! ...

We're old enough to remember Killy in ads for American products like Chevrolet. (He and O.J. Simpson were among the first jocks to prosper from endorsements.) Even Hunter Thompson got a peek at the future of the commercial side of sports celebrity from the skinny Frenchie.

So, what's he got up his insulated sleeve?

On the eve of 2008, which may be the warmest winter in the history of human history, Killy is taking retro-chic to new heights!

Pre-retro chic! Winter fashion so out of style that it's stylish!

Gyod! If only we'd thought of that. ...

... Hey, that gives us an idea.

What about TANKINIS?! Just think: American pop culture meets Islam halfway -- and everyone can wear swimsuits entirely too stuffy for our nauseatingly hot summers!!!

Eureka!

Serena Williams Balloons Up

2007-11-19T18:42:00.000-05:00

The Post's "Page Six" thinks it has the scoop on Serena Williams and Common. Little Sister was seen canoodling with the rapper last week at the launch party for Venus' eLeVen line in New York City.

Think maybe the folks at The Post missed the Oct. 22 premiere Common's video for "I Want You," which features Serena? Didn't they notice the two at the Aug. 4 release party for Common's CD "Finding Forever"?

Get with it, white people! Serena+Common is old news.

What's NOT old news is the silver balloon cocktail dress Serena wore to Venus' party! Is it from Aneres, Serena's fashion line? If so, that's her only excuse.

Serena, dahling, we love the color and the ... well, that's the only thing right with this little number.

TCL isn't sure who this dress was made for, but with her brick sh**house bod, it wasn't Serena. The lower hem on those teeny little breast cups hasn't got a snowball's chance of cinching at the bottom of those hooters. So it rests at half-staff, and the rest of the dress sort of flags around her from there.

If Serena's still not in the best shape, all those pleats and folds aren't doing her any favors. (If she IS in shape, this dress is sacrilege!) Especially with that banded hem, wrapping around her mid-thigh like a tired mini-hoola hoop.

Her new 'do is a winner, and TCL usually can't wait to see what Serena has got on. Still, we all understand the Williams sisters' games sometimes suffer from errors.

No Good Knick: More Marbury Drama

2007-11-19T01:00:00.000-05:00

With Stephon, there's always more to the story.

Marbury bailed on the Knicks in Phoenix on Tuesday, and the talking sharks chomped. To them, Marbury bolted because he wasn't starting vs. the Suns, because he and Isiah Thomas were squabbling, because Stephon is an overpaid, me-first baby, etc.

(BTW, check out Stephon's alleged text message in The Post. Who texts like this? Starbury can flap his lip, sure. But he typed each letter of each full sentence in that paragraph? We wonder.)

Turns out, Hey!, there's more to the story.

The NY Times reported Thursday that a life-long mentor to Marbury had died Tuesday, and the Knicks star left the team and went back to Coney Island to pay his respects.

Nice story. Trouble is, the Coney Island mentor, named Robert Williams, died suddenly Tuesday afternoon. About 18 hours after Marbury first lashed out about Thomas' decision to sit him.

Alas! What Will Leitch calls Marbury's "so many different kinds of crazy" also extends to the way he's managed his tennies.

The "Starbury" line, created by the Knicks PG and Steve & Barry's, has been a big success story since its launch in Sept. 2006. Business Week named the sneaks among 2006's best new products.

For 2007, Steve & Barry's created a Starbury shoe for Ben Wallace. For Big Ben, it's sorta like Carmelo Anthony working under Michael Jordan's Nike line -- Wallace gets a piece of sales (though no endorsement money). Marbury also makes royalties -- on both his shoes and Wallace's.

Because none of the kicks cost more than $14.95 a pair, Stephon has been lauded for his compassion for poor and working-class folks on "Oprah," "Live with Regis & Kelly," "Good Morning America," "20/20," and even the "Rachael Ray Show."

So, it stands to reason that the next thing Marbury would do is trash that image of benevolence.

When it was announced that S & B's was hooking up with Venus Williams to launch the EleVen line, Marbury balked.

It didn't matter that Venus also had grown up in the ghetto and now wanted a chance to give back. Sure, she's a superstar, but who cares? And so what she's got a degree in fashion design, and helped create the stuff in her line?

Since Marbury had shoes first, he kvetched, her versions should be part of his line.

Here's our question: With all the lines Stephon comes up with, what line doesn't he have?

Venus Brings Fashion Down to Earth

2007-11-16T04:16:00.000-05:00

Venus Williams held court at Steve & Barry's in the Manhattan Mall on Thursday morning as mothers and their daughters oogled the tennis babe and her new affordable line of clothes.

The elder of the Slam Sisters enjoys wearing pieces from her EleVen line -- 120 items of casual urban wear, sports gear, footwear and jewelry, none costing more than 20 bucks.

It's not just that she's modeling designs she helped create, and that she's doing it all for shoppers who likely live on the same shoestring budget her family survived on once upon a time in Compton.

Williams also likes some practical advantages.

Her clothes "are very slimming and comfortable," she said. "I wear them all the time."

And, honestly, if TCL were running all over New York City, giving interviews and holding autograph sessions, we'd much rather do it in jeans and a tee than in the chi-chi boutique designs her sister has come up with.

Hair Errant: Colt Brennan is Not His Hair

2007-11-15T17:49:00.000-05:00

We're relieved to see that Colt Brennan finally came to his senses.

The Hawaii QB went nuts at the start of the season -- averaging 420 passing yards with an 80 percent completion rate in the Warriors' first three games.

This holder of 20 NCAA passing records also went platinum. As if that weren't show-offy enough, Brennan had some poor hairdresser debase himself by dying the shapes of the Hawaiian islands on the side of his head.

Yeah, okay, you know, hometown pride (not to mention Heisman visibility). But consider that Reggie Bush could peel off his "619" eyeblacks after every game when he played at USC.

But then Brennan suffered a sprained ankle, a slew of INTs, a concussion and a pretty good blow to his Heisman candidacy.

And voilá! The newly earnest Colt's head is no longer so much bigger than the rest of him.

Becks & Armani: A Package Deal

2007-11-13T01:05:00.000-05:00

Just when we thought we'd had enough of David Beckham, Armani promises to give us less.

The menswear company has inked the Galaxy superstar as the model for its new U.S. line of undies. (He's been the face of Armani's tighty-whities in Europe for years.)

And it was just in time, too. Looks like Becks was about to go broke. Well, you know, as broke as $23.37 million seemed to him last year, which was 28 percent less than he made in 2006.

Then, damn his luck, his Gillette contract is set to expire this year, which will cost his bottom line over $6 mil more.

No word on the terms of Beckham's deal with Armani, but at least we can all rest a little easier knowing he is bolstering the total value of his assets with some handsome support from Armani.

Tattology: Witness LeBron James' Dorktitude

2007-11-12T16:55:00.000-05:00

Since tonight's Cavs-Nuggests game has become an annual NBA rite, given LeBron James' and Carmelo Anthony's stardom, and since TCL spent part of the weekend extolling The Chosen One's sartorial virtues, it's only right we also take a sec to point out just how dorky he can be.

Witness one of Bron-Bron's latest tatts.

If you can't read the fine print, those vertical scribbles spell "Witness" -- as in Nike's tagline for their 2006 LeBron ad campaign "We are All Witnesses."

Sigh.

It's like sneakers with dress pants. A top hat with one's prom tux. Stilettos with jeans. Muffin tops and moose knuckles. Any dopey accessory choice that most folks with good sense grow out of making in time.

Except this one is permanent.

LeBron now has a crowned lion with "King James" on his right bicep and "The Chosen 1" across his back.

We'd hate to see James get a new nickname.

What we're more afraid of is what Nike has up its sleeve this season.

Kaká Good, Becks Better, George Best

2007-11-12T07:58:00.000-05:00

The latest Euro Esquire features AC Milan midfielder Ricardo Izecson dos Santos Leite.

Who?

Kaká.

Yeah. Okay. Who??

Give this a quick once-over.

If his who-dat-ness alone doesn't convince you that Kaká isn't the next David Beckham (let alone the original fútbol fashionisto, George Best), just visualize him proudly sporting myriad Jesus tee shirts.

If not for his piety, Kaká might have a promising start as soccer's next big metrosexual. He's already staked his claim as the next mid-career Ricky Martin.

Still, cute as he is, this upstart can't touch Georgie at his Best nor Becks at his most come-hither.

He's still got too much sinning to do.

SI.com's Best Dressed NBA Player

2007-11-11T14:52:00.000-05:00

Of all athletes in the "Big Three" sports, basketball players most enjoy stuntin' their sartorial splendor. Which is why TCL couldn't wait to get a gander at
SI.com's Best Dressed NBA Player candidates to see who the editors would come up with other than Dwyane Wade, Shaquille O'Neal and LeBron James.

The only fun addition is Andrei Kirilenko. The Jazz forward likely made the list because his wife, former pop tart Masha, owns a chi-chi boutique in SLC. Otherwise, AK-47 stands out in NBA fashion only because his preferred aesthetic is Russian thug.

Shawn Marion and Stephon Marbury are this list's surprise entries. Neither is as known for his fashion taste as Kevin Garnett and Steve Nash, who didn't make the list. Which might be why Marion and Starbury only earned 2 percent of the vote.

(Warriors fans: Baron Davis might have made the list based on this fabulous ensemble, but that bulleted fedora stunt just buried him.)

Getting more votes -- god knows why -- are Jason Kidd, Paul Pierce and Gilbert Arenas (10, 6 and 4 percent, respectively).

Agent Zero must love old-school spectator shoes so much that he dressed like one. (This is the danger of putting players in monochrome unis -- they get all OCD about everything matching.)

Kobe made the list. ... Wait, huh? Dude didn't get pierced and tattooed until at least a decade after everyone else. Leave it to Mr. Lone Wolf to get dirrrttty when everyone else is getting clean.

As for our headliners, Bron-Bron was our chosen one -- though he trails Wade 26 percent to 12 in the voting.

LeBron's suit for the 2007 ESPYs was way smarter than DWade's tired gangster suits and pimp hats.

LBJames gives some thought to what he wears. Wade looks like he's riding this horse til it dies.

What's worse, he borrowed the old nag from Shaq's barn.

Yea! Fashion Diva Snags Lance Armstrong

2007-11-01T04:09:00.000-04:00

Seven-time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong was seen canoodling in a Manhattan hotspot with -- isn't this sorta weird? -- Ashley Olsen.

TCL couldn't be more thrilled -- after his break-up last month from designer Tory Bruch, we despaired for the future of sports fashion gossip.

Luckily, the Olsen twins just launched their own line of clothes -- so if Lance and Ashley hit it off, that's more thread for our bobbin!

His other starved, blonde GFs haven't worked out so well. He schtupped singer Sheryl Crow for two years after divorcing his wife, Kik, the mother of his three kids. After that, he had brushes, good lord, with Paris Hilton and Ivanka Trump.

We're not so sure pixie/waif/good witch Ashley will work out any better. But in the meantime, TCL can have some fun with at least of couple of her more other-worldly red-carpet-type ensembles. (See here and here and especially here.)

Out Routes: Becks' Fashion Reign Continues

2007-10-31T16:40:00.000-04:00

He may not have done much for his ₤118 mil this year, but David Beckham is still The Man.

The L.A. Galaxy's $250-million slacker got the nod for biggest stud in AskMen.com's "Top 49 Men of 2007," and was just named Arena's No. 1 guy for the British mag's annual "40 Under 40" list.

Becks was already be-sashed this year as one of People Magazine's Best Dressed Men, the stylin'est dude in the Western World by the UK version of Glamour, and he and Spice-Girl wife Victoria were listed among People's and Vanity Fair's best dressed couples of the year.

Thank goodness London's favourite chav turned in some quality play last summer for the English national team. Better yet, he was named to the British GQ's Worst Dressed List.

Apparently, even gawkers across the Pond would prefer to see Becks' pretty face in the sports pages -- at least enough to justify the splash he's made in the fashion mags.

Campaign Trail: Brett Favre in Wranglers

2007-10-30T17:25:00.000-04:00

Tom Brady might be the NFL's sex symbol, and Peyton Manning the league's Einstein, but Brett Favre is what football is all about.

Which is the only reason the Packers QB can get away with hawking Wrangler jeans.

Remember shopping for school clothes? TCL steered Mom clear of Sears and Monkey Warts, which carried only cheesy stuff -- like Wrangler jeans.

The cut was always wrong, and the color a shade too blue. And that pseudo-rawhide Wranglers patch! Only the kids to whom style meant using black electrical tape to fix their glasses didn't know how embarrassing that patch looked.

Some kids had Lee jeans, but most of us wore Levi's. Still do.

No question Favre has man's-man creds. With his granite chin and graying hair, he's jockdom's answer to Sean Connery or Russell Crowe. Dude is damn good-looking.

Plus, no other multimillionaire athlete is so laid back and without pretention that he's as well liked by his opponents as his teammates.

And did you see that TD pass in OT last night for the Packs' first ever win in Denver? Classic Favre.

Okay, yes, TCL has a crush on the Old Man. And we really, truly do appreciate his charitable efforts, by which he'll donate 100 pairs of Wrangler jeans to needy kids for every TD he throws.

But here's the thing: It might be Brett Favre or Dale Earnhardt Jr. or even Steve freakin' McQueen who's doing the pitching. It doesn't matter.

Wranglers are as cheesy as ever, so it's kinda sad that so far this season Favre has put 1,100 kids in the position of having to wear them.

Stylin': Tony Romo Swaps No. 9 for 007

2007-10-29T18:01:00.000-04:00

No wonder Tony Romo is scoring hot dames like Sophia Bush and Britney Spears -- the baby-faced QB is about to sign a six-year, $69 million deal with the Dallas Cowboys.

Back in January, when Romo started dating twangy "American Idol" star Carrie Underwood, the 'Boys signal caller was earning only $3.2 mil a season.

So in May, when he accompanied the singer to the Country Music Awards, Romo just couldn't afford the sunglasses and neuralizer to complete his "Men in Black" look.

(We suppose we should be grateful Romo didn't show up at Carrie's door wearing one of the get-ups Will Smith got jiggy wit' before he morphed into Agent J.)

Since he's about to make more money than any player in Cowboys history, maybe he should look for fashion tips from the Will Smith of a more recent vintage.

Hair Errant: Deion, Devin and Dreads

2007-10-29T05:50:00.000-04:00

If Devin Hester wants to go prime time, he's gotta ditch the dreads.

So says Hester's mentor, Deion Sanders. If the Bears speedster wants more endorsement ops, "Prime Time" advises going clean-cut a la Reggie Bush and LaDainian Tomlinson.

Translation: Could this dude be the new face of Nike? Why didn't Chunky Soup feature this guy? How 'bout this image for another new George Foreman-like grill?

Okay, so Hester doesn't need a visit to the barbershop a la Pacman Jones, Tank Johnson and Chris Henry -- that is, at the behest of a defense lawyer.

But really, people -- the problem isn't just the association that Dreads + Black Athletes = Thuggery.

Consider that Ricky Williams wore dreads as far back as the mid-'90s. How long can such a show-offy 'do stay trendy?

Put it this way. TCL has been sick of the Rachel since "Friends" went bye-bye in 2004.

Dreads, like cornrows and mullets, aren't stylin' or sexy or cool. They're so uncool that geeky Hollywood types think they're cool.

Posh Spice's 'do is more hip, and she's already ready for a change.

If these arguments don't convince Hester, maybe he needs a dose of sorry-ass white people still groovin' on lame-o chest bumps and high fives.

Campaign Trail: Eva Longoria, Euro Babe

2007-10-25T04:00:00.000-04:00

Hot off the presses: the ad layouts for Bebe Sport's winter collection featuring a wigged and whitened Eva Longoria.

Oops! Our bad. That's Eva Longoria-Parker.

Check out Tony Parker's "Desperate Housewife" on Bebe's Web site. EL-P's warm Texican-pixie self morphs into a vacant-eyed Bratz doll, lean and cold as a switchblade.

Say Eva takes her seat at the AT&T Center looking so Euro-frosty for next Tuesday night's home opener. Spurs fans might wonder if their French point guard returned from his summer wedding trip abroad with a different épouse.

Going to the Movies, Gisele?

2007-10-24T16:12:00.000-04:00

After some seven years of standing behind his offensive line, you might think Tom Brady's sick of the rear view.

You'd be wrong.

The Pats QB and his mate, Gisele Bundchen, heated up Miami Beach on Monday, the day after Brady and his 'mates torched the hometown Dolphins.

The Brazilian cutie accompanied her man to SoFlo for the weekend, and was seen club-hopping all over Miami. On Sunday night T & G, wearing (god help us) matching jeans and white tees, were all over each other.

One wishes Gisele's swimsuit were a little more all-over. Knockout she is, but even supermodels need to leave something to the imagination.

The Stylus: Next Time Try 'Takeouts'

2007-10-24T16:09:00.000-04:00

British celebutante Gemma Atkinson told the tabloids this week that she broke up with Cristiano Ronaldo after he was "caught shagging hookers."

(OMG! Man U's winger isn't the only "player" on the pitch.)

But, people, please! Let's talk fashion sense here! Accessorizing basics:

Rule No. 1: Only add eye-catching accessories when wearing something understated. With that little black dress, say, maybe a silver lamé clutch and matching Manolos.

Rule No. 2: Don't overdo it. And that goes double for permanent extras like tattoos, gold teeth, extracurricular piercings and anything that requires implantation.

TCL doesn't think poor Gemma -- who last year committed to these 34Fs -- quite understood the subtleties of this advice.

Nothing's forever in the world of silicone, of course. But when one has a boob-job this over-the-top, the attention it attracts isn't all that permanent either.

SI.com's Best Dressed: The Ghetto Bracket

2007-10-23T01:40:00.000-04:00

The polls are open for the third bracket of SI.com's Best-Dressed athletes -- the "other" category.

The headliners, of course, are David Beckham and Roger Federer. But we're a little whatever about Posh's boy toy and the Swiss Jesus dominating sports fashion.

Maybe that's why SI.com chose some dubious pics. Rather than Euro chic, Federer looks Euro insipid. And poor Becks! A handsome bloke, but caught here (above) with a stiffy.

If that's what SI.com means by "best dressed," the Galaxy's sub-six-foot Brit doesn't stand a chance.

In this light, we should rethink the MLB and NFL brackets. ("A-Rod" and "Big Papi" might win by a long shot.) Dare we imagine which long-limbed NBAers will "qualify" in the next round? And given such qualifications, oughtn't we test contenders for performance-enhancing pharmaceuticals?)

Whatever. Becks is packing the heat with 23 percent of the vote.

In second place, with 19 percent, is futbol's preeminent organizer of hooker orgies, Cristiano Ronaldo.

A distant third (14%) is boxing's "Golden Boy," Oscar de la Hoya (at right) -- beefcake among cougar-bait, to TCL's mind.

Other "others" include a bald James Blake, NASCAR wannabe Dario Franchitti (aka Mr. Ashley Judd), a Ljungberg, a Lundqvist and one total nutjob.

What, you say -- no Helio Castroneves, the Brazilian romeo of "Dancing with the Stars"? No golfers? No Olympians? No Pete Carroll?

C'est la vie! This is Bracket No. 3. What you might call SI.com's Best-Dressed Slim-Pick'ns Who-Dat Ghetto.

Makes you wanna give Darren Sharper another look, right?

SI.com: Baseball's Best Dressed

2007-10-22T01:46:00.000-04:00

The Red Sox popped the Indians in the chops Sunday, coming back from a 3-1 series deficit to steal the AL pennant.

Production from the depths of their batting order catapulted the Sox past the streaking Tribe, but the play of their Best Dressed Players -- David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez -- drove them into the 2007 World Series.

Their stat lines inspire reverence, and personality-wise, one has to admit Ortiz and Ramirez succeed spectacularly when adhering to the age-old adage "Don't think too much."

Re their style sense, however, TCL has to wonder how Manny and Big Papi made the final cut of SI.com's best-dressed baseball players.

Competing against MLB courtiers A-Rod and Derek Jeter as well as the sartorially impeccable Orlando Hernandez, Manny and Papi seem like write-in candidates. It's like Bluto Blutarsky running for Faber U's student-body president. Ripe with hilarity, yes. But seriously.

Voters agree. While Rodriguez and Jeter captured 29 and 22 percent of SI.com's nearly 50K voters, respectively, Ortiz and Ramirez manage just 9 and 6 percent. (El Duque, who earned just 5 percent, was seriously underrated in TCL's estimation.)

Still, as with MVP voting, consideration for Best Dressed must be given to those who take their teams the furthest. Would that be Manny -- who hasn't washed his hair since winning WS MVP in 2004?

Cadillac-ing be damned! Big Papi might fetishize matching duds a la Huggy Bear, but the way he floats those chapeaus is smoother than any cocky 1970's dude.

So who will you vote for -- establishment patsies A-Rod and Jeter? Or the cool jazz retro of David Ortiz?

Campaign Trail: Laila Ali's Cover Act

2007-10-19T06:05:00.000-04:00

Laila Ali is milking her finalist finish on last season's "Dancing with the Stars" by signing on for a third "Got Milk?" campaign that debuts next week.

"She Bee Stingin" co-starred in her first dairy-mustache ad with her Pops, Muhammad Ali, in 2001. She staged her first comeback pitching the white stuff earlier this year, with her fellow "DWTS" finalists.

Never a stranger to the glamorous life, Ali nevertheless seems to have fashioned a better sense of herself in the new ad. Sure, she's strong and fit and sexy. But she's also vampy and loose. Not so tethered to dear old dad.

Still, the 29-year-old super middleweight champ relies on copy-cat income streams. With Nickelodeon TV, Ali is working on a reality show, a la "Shaq's Big Challenge," in which she helps helps obese kids become Big Losers.

Looks like Laila has stepped out from behind the shadow of one Big Fella only to stand behind another.

David Beckham Gets Off His Arse

2007-10-19T03:15:00.000-04:00

David Beckham returned to the pitch Thursday night from a 10-match injury layoff.

The midfielder played only 20 minutes or so, making a few anemic corner kicks.

While Becks lived on the Galaxy's dole, Mrs. Becks was hard at work.

Victoria has jetted between Europe and the West Coast, spicing up Fashion Week in Paris, posing for Elle, shooting scenes for an upcoming episode of "Ugly Betty" and readying for the November release of the Spice Girls' latest CD and their upcoming world tour.

Also next month, the ubiquitous Posh releases her fashion-tips guide, "That Extra Half Inch."

Someone in this family has to make some money.

Daily Diva: Anna Kournikova, Natch

2007-10-17T16:57:00.000-04:00

This is what Citizen Journalism has come to? Catching Anna Kournikova in her jammies in a hotel in Miami Beach?

Daily Stab gives Miss K's frock a thumbs-up, but TCL wonders.

Why would she wear her pj's to the lobby? (Did Enrique lock her out of the room? OMG!) Or could this simple pullover be her bikini coverup? (Is she going swimming wearing lots of bangles and mascara?)

Maybe she's headed to a Halloween party disguised as Jennifer Beals, but forgot the slashed sweatshirt and leg warmers. Or is the hotel laundry running late, and she's resorted to cutting the bottom out of an industrial cotton recycling sack?

Whatever. Fugly dress? No news peg? No tennis career? No matter. Anna never offends the eye.

Campaign Trail: Tiger Woods & Gatorade

2007-10-17T02:48:00.000-04:00

"Gatorade Tiger" will hit the shelves next spring, say PepsiCo. officials about Tiger Woods' new signature drink, which will net the world's top golfer an estimated $100 million.

Neither Woods' agent nor Gatorade elaborated on marketing plans. So we don't know whether the ads will feature Tiger yet again in his golf duds (particularly, go figure, in RED).

We know Mr. "ESPN Now" is proud of his new ripped physique, but TCL hopes Woods isn't tempted to go all "gym rat" for his ads. (Watch this video clip of Tiger perspiring for Gator-aides. Good thing he wears the Nike cap -- he's getting to look like his old man more every day.)

Yes, Gatorade commercials usually show athletes sweating, but no one wants to have to think about how smelly that gets.

What's That Stank?: Brady, Becks & Jeter

2007-10-16T19:31:00.000-04:00

So many new men's colognes! Usher's Scents for Men & Women ... Ralph Lauren's Polo Explorer ... HUGO by Hugo Boss ... Calvin Klein's Euphoria ... Attitude by Armani ... Tom Ford for Men.

Does anybody wear this gunk anymore? We'd plum had enough after Polo singed the world's nose hairs in the 1980s.

But the perfume industry lingers.

Now, instead of Usher, Matthew McConaughey or some other swoony-type "sensitive-but-masculine" man offending our senses, we sports fans get fragrances backed by today's "iconic" jocks. Tom Brady pitching Stetson while David Beckham has Instinct (both, curiously, by Coty), and Derek Jeter will release his second Avon cologne, Driven Black, in November.

Already we can see their tanned and chiseled features in the ad pages of our ESPN The Mag. Given the pyooey odor of each (haven't whiffed Jeter's yet since it's Avon), we can only hope their marketing teams don't include scent strips in future advertising.

However malodorous their eau de toilettes, The Clothezline isn't as weirded out by their ad campaigns as some. The Bostonist questions Brady's manhood, as With Leather beats the metrosexual drum some more. LOL Jocks roasts the Pats' beefcake QB with this LOL video.

Enough with the ball-busting, we say.

Brady strikes us as rather white-bread, so the Stetson photog outdid himself. Eschewing the Stetson hat was a good plan (too Village People). Also, Brady's scruff here takes the edge off that sissy-man thing he's got trailing him. Well, unless you think about all that sunless tanning lotion he's got on. (See all six ad shots here.)

While Brady whistles past his metrosexual rep, Becks is milking his. The Galaxy's laddie posed bum-side-up for Attitude, and told the British mag that he's so comfortable with his feminine side, he doesn't mind being a gay icon.

Wethinks Posh likes the smell of that money.

As for Jeter? His green eyes and granite chin aren't enough to conjure his younger self -- a hustle player that didn't cough up hairballs in the postseason. Would you buy the cologne of a guy who's past his freshness date?

We didn't think so. It reminds us too much of one buddy's thoughts on Michael Jordan for Men. He'd splash a little on before heading to the gym. He said it made his sweat not smell so bad.

I Love Tight Ends: Tony Gonzalez

2007-10-16T02:30:00.000-04:00

This October has brought more attention than usual to Tony Gonzalez, but not as much as the Kansas City Chiefs tight end deserves.

Gonzalez, 31, who was featured playing hoops in this month's Men's Health, broke the all-time NFL record for TDs by a TE on Sunday. In KC's 27-20 win over the Bungles, the eight-year veteran passed future Hall of Fame TE Shannon Sharpe's mark of 62 TD receptions.

But with all the "Tom Brady this" and "Tony Romo that," Gonzalez isn't getting the proper props.

Even "Tuesday Morning Quarterback" missed the boat. TMQ writer Gregg Easterbrook, who prides himself on giving credit to under-hyped players, focused his last column on TEs as the secret to NFL success. Five days before TG broke the TD record, TMQ noted Jason Witten, Chris Cooley, Antonio Gates, Dallas Clark and Ben Watson -- but not a whisper about Gonzalez, who has been the secret to whatever success the Chiefs have managed for nearly a decade.

We here at The Clothezline think this is male-type jealousy, plain and simple. I mean, LOOK at this man -- a modern Adonis. No. 88 looks good even when he sweats.

TCL offers TG its congratulations. He won't have to wait five years after he retires to get in our Hall of Fame.

NFL Cheerleader Ban: Winners & Losers

2007-10-15T03:03:00.000-04:00

AOL Sports columnist Sean Jensen says the NFL's recent cheerleader ban is overheated.

Word is, some teams encourage their babe brigades to warm-up near the visitor's sideline, to gain an edge when their opponents' focus strays. Says Jensen: Cheerleaders aren't that distracting.

Giants DE Michael Strahan begs to differ, as do current and former Patriots WRs Donte Stallworth and David Givens. Cheerleaders are a legit problem, say Colts players. Even former Giants QB Jesse "The Bachelor" Palmer has chimed in on the diversionary power of T & A.

Commish Roger Goodell's memo is reputedly called the "Redskins' Rule" because the scantily clad Washington cheerleaders are the worst (i.e. most eye-popping) offenders.

That got us wondering: Which teams, when playing at home, stand to suffer most from the No Fun League's Exhibition Prohibition?

Seven teams -- the Packers, Lions, Steelers, Browns, Giants, Bears and both NY teams -- don't field cheer squads, so get no benefit from the rule.

Of the 25 remaining teams, which has the most and the least ogle-worthy cheerleaders?

We here at The Clothezline have braved hours on the Web, inspecting hemlines, hairdos and waaaay too many plasticized pom-poms, to create an unofficial Nottest-to-Hottest guide to cheerleader interference potential.

The NFL's Top 5 Nottest (Least Distracting) Cheer Squads:

5. Cincinnati Ben-Gals

-- Too starved? Too homely? We say: "TransAmerica" in arm spats.

4. Philadelphia Eagles cheerleaders

-- "Throwback" marketing run amok. Subdued. No sparkle. No skin. C'mon, ladies, the Iggles could have used more help from the sidelines.

3. Seattle Sea Gals

-- A few things that will prompt opposing players to look away, and fast: hairy armpits, too much makeup, cankles and camel toe.

2. Tennessee Titans cheerleaders

-- Modesty still reigns in Bible-Belt Nashville. And these outfits couldn't even distract players with attention deficit disorder.

1. Carolina Top Cats

-- When we think "NFL cheerleader," we do not conjure Sarah Silverman with a boob job. Also, what's with the Flintstones costumes? Finally, no getting around it -- there's the Skank Factor.

The NFL's Top 5 Hottest Cheer Squads:

5. Houston Texans cheerleaders

-- We don't usually go for "patriotic" red, white & blue combos, but these unis have clean lines, ruby-slipper red poms and just a touch of sass. Also, opposing players do double-takes for these Texan twins.

4. Miami Dolphins cheerleaders

-- TCL appreciates attention to detail! That orange-on-white pops, and their uni frills are less Tonya Harding and more Nancy Kerrigan. Nothing says "South Florida" like these girls.

3. Oakland Raiderettes

-- Black & silver, an irrisistible color combo. Those Anne Boleyn sleeves ... rhinestone trim ... the slash-cut black shorts with a silver sash! These girls are a romance writer's dream: wholesome beauties turned swashbuckling sexpots!

2. Washington Redskins cheerleaders

-- In a town that believes "More is Better," these girls have a radically different agenda. Philly's cheerleaders can claim "shirts"; the DC girls will happily play "skins." The 'Skins' color scheme has always struck us as "eh" -- but on their cheerbabes, that maroon plays like Australian cabernet: muted in color, but full-bodied and in-your-face.

1. Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders

-- The Coca-Cola/Snickers/Michael Jordan/iPhone/Rolls Royce of cheerleading teams. This squad has been so ahead of its time, its unis have hardly changed since its "rebirth" in 1972. Change, schmange -- that blue-on-white, star-sprinkled, Texas ho-down shimmy suit is a show-stopper.

Hands down, QB Tony Romo & Co. will be the worse for wear if America's Team can't first break the competition's spirit at Texas Stadium.

SI.com's 'Most Viewed'? Girl Jocks

2007-10-13T10:27:00.000-04:00

As SI.com's photo galleries grow fat with cheerleaders, MLB & NFL players and weirdo fans, the surprise is that the site's throw-away section of female athletes has been its most viewed gallery.

Sadly, I'm not sure why, though PGA-wannabe Michelle Wie (at right) and Russian tennis temptress Maria Sharapova sure cute-up the collection.

Now if only Dave Leadbetter could help Wie with her shoe selection....

Highlights? Serena Williams' star-turn as a Grecian mother-in-law ... Hyper-girly Lisa Leslie looking less convincing than Rupaul ... Teeny skate queen Sasha Cohen channeling Helena Bonham Carter ... Danica Patrick with more glitter than Mariah Carey ... and the ever-gorgeous Amazon, Gabby Reece.

Lowlight? Reputedly "hot" swimmer Amanda Beard (right) looking as if she just climbed out of the pool and wrapped herself in her bedroom curtains.

We DO love Beard's Olympic legs, though, tan and bare and flirty in peep-toe pumps. But those eyebrows! Those chicken-plucked, Joan Crawfordesque eyebrows above her icy blue eyes! Eeek!

It's like, if you stare too long at her Playboy pics, those eyes will find you. She will hunt you down and kill you.

"I'm not gonna be ignored, Dan!"

Hair-Errant: Brad Miller's New 'Do

2007-10-10T15:30:00.000-04:00

Just when you think you know a guy...

Brad Miller, a decent center on a guard-oriented team. (Good thing he's got a B- jump shot.) A steady, if plodding, presence on a Kings team desperate for leadership from somebody other than overwhelmed PG Mike Bibby and certifiable nutjob Ron Artest.

And then, as the NBA kicks off its preseason, Miller goes all Scot Pollard on us. (Though Sac teammate Kevin Martin said Miller's hoo-'do reminded him of Kevin Federline....)

Whether Miller wants to pass himself off as either a brother or Travis Bickle, someone must tell him to stop. STOP. RIGHT. NOW.

Cornrows may have been thug-chic 10 years ago, when Allen Iverson and Latrell Sprewell defied Michael Jordan's slick baldness. Cornrows then were the sort of corrective to Air-brushed commercialism in sports that punk rock was to the excesses of 1970's disco.

But like all appearance-dependent social statements, the mood and the need pass. Five years after the Sex Pistols burst onto the scene, scaring old ladies and pissing off police, the group had disbanded and punk was d-e-a-d, dead.

Cornrows, too, are past their spoilage date. (Spree who?)

And for white dudes like Miller, always fashion suicide.

Think I'm wrong? Then consider this: In culture and shape, cornrows are equivalent to a certain white-guy haircut that's now the very symbol of out-of-date-ness: the mullet.

The Sideline: Tom Brady's Baby Mama

2007-10-10T00:30:00.000-04:00

Afraid you'll have to wait for all-too-scarce exclusive photos of Tom Brady's newborn son a la Brangelina's daughter, Shiloh, and Tiger & Elin's firstborn, Sam?

Never fear -- the Ex Factor always trumps the hush-hush world of celebrity. (Just ask Barry Bonds.)

Brady's former Hollywood squeeze, Bridget Moynahan, posed with the ex-couple's son, 7-week-old John Edward Thomas, for the cover of OK! Magazine. The feature's title? "Life Without Daddy."

Well, you know, at least until the little tyke can use the remote or flip through magazines...

***

...The aforementioned Mr. Brady co-stars in "GQ's 50 Most Stylish Men of the Past 50 Years." If you happen to catch the Brady cover photo, you have to wonder how Esquire elected him Best Dressed of 2007. The Pats QB looks as if he's just climbed off the red-eye into Logan -- one loss, four Scotches and no sleep for his troubles.

The NFL's Boy Wonder isn't the only athlete in GQ's spread. Soccer's best-ever bad boy, George Best, tops all jocks at No. 4. Muhammad Ali and his skinny black tie nab No. 13, followed by a nattily suited Brady at No. 14. Bjorn Borg, whose GQ pic looks scarily like Andy Roddick, crashes the party at No. 15. Arnie Palmer in full Elvis mode breaks in at 29th, while the iconic Michael Jordan lags at 40th, just four places ahead of the list's final sports-world dude, Jean-Claude Killy, and seven spots behind the geeky and bespectacled Woody Allen.

***

November's Men's Journal features Steve Nash, "The Superstar Who Made the NBA Fun Again." (It's not online (yet), so here's a TrueHoop excerpt.)

The profile also debuts the Phoenix Suns PG's new 'do -- a clipped shag that channels Ric Ocasek, Joey Ramone and David Bowie ("Diamond Dogs" phase). This alone makes Nash the frontrunner for next season's MVP.

***

As if being en vogue wasn't special enough, Men's Vogue's new special issue highlights 13 American visionaries, one of which is USC head football coach Pete Carroll.

Too bad Carroll, distinguished with that square jaw and California-summer beige suit, wasn't visionary enough to stop Stanford from toppling his top-ranked Trojans.

What? You thought Men's Vogue would surely acknowledge the visionary coaching of Bill Belichick? Please. Field & Stream, maybe, or those jock-sniffers at ESPN the Mag. But the Patriots' taciturn head coach is entirely too comfortable in cut-off gray hoodies to make any list at least partially devoted to fashion.

SI.com: NFL's Best Dressed

2007-10-08T10:00:00.000-04:00

Perhaps with a nod toward GQ's Special Anniversary Issue, which features the "50 Most Stylish Men of the Past 50 Years," SI.com is soliciting your vote for the NFL's Best-Dressed Player.

Then again, we may be dealing with Sports Illustrated's answer to ESPN's "Who's Now?" The polls opened in September for SI.com's "Best-Dressed Baseball Player," with voting beginning in mid-October for sports figures in general (prob'ly including Roger Federer and David Beckham) and in November for Dwyane Wade and the rest of the NBA. Each bracket's winner will move on to the championship round, and by December or so we should have ourselves an SI.com Best Dressed Athlete.

By the time yours truly voted today, nearly 27,500 had crashed the polls. The top NFL vote-getter was Terrell Owens, with a surprising 29 percent of the total.

TO's photo on SI.com shows him in a white dinner jacket and jeans, with a charcoal-gray pinstripped dress shirt and kerchief -- an ensemble both risky and classic, much like his tuxedo to the right, with the pink vest and tie. Nice. But No. 1 nice?

The Kennedy-esque Tom Brady sits in second, with 21 percent of the votes. Shocking, considering Esquire named the Pats QB its Best Dressed Man of the World for 2007. (Having arm-candy like Giselle keeps Brady's he-man cred high, but last year's metrosexual scarf business prob'ly cut into his votes. Maybe the football-dad bloc doesn't appreciate Euro trends.)

The NFL's answer to basketball's little cutie DWade, Saints RB Reggie Bush, is the only other nominee in double figures, getting 17 percent. Filling out the roster are Shaft look-a-like Braylon Edwards (9%); the professorially bow-tied Dhani Jones (8%); Dwight Freeney and DeAngelo Hall wearing their best Reggie-Bush whites (6% and 3%, respectively); and Matt Leinart (at 5%), whose best attire is his SoCal tan.

The two most unsettling finishes are last year's MVP LaDainian Tomlinson and that "stop-traffic fine" Darren Sharper, who've garnered only 1% of the vote so far.

Maybe fans are sick of seeing LT in his vest-n-pleated pants get-up. (By merely slipping a red garter on his bicep, Tomlinson could make a whole lot less money as a Vegas blackjack dealer.)

How to explain Sharper's meager showing? For sure, it's not his lack of dimples. More like limited ink. A 10-year veteran SS, Sharper has made news more for his minor role in the "Love Boat" scandal than his three Pro Bowl appearances. If SI.com held a Best Playas in the NFL, surely Sharper and Brady (girlfriend and baby-mama in tow) would fare better.

SI's candidates aside, one wonders what criteria fans use to vote. Do they click for the guy whose photo looks best? (That would explain Brady's and Leinart's disappointing showings, though not the v. hot Sharper's.) Do voters consider players' sartorial histories? (If so, wouldn't Jones' tired old bow ties and pedestrian ensembles have ensured him the fashion equivalent of Mr. Irrelevent? And how to think of TO's all-together revealing bodysuits?)

And what about other fashion-forward players? Like Takeo Spikes, who held annual fashion shows in Buffalo when he played for the Bills. Or 'Skins LB London Fletcher, part owner of an upscale urban clothing store in his hometown of Cleveland. Or Dolphins hottie Jason Taylor?

Then again, considering SI's target audience (18- to 40-year-old men), exactly what is their criteria? Style and fashion a la Donna Versace and Tom Ford? Or something that's manly, low on the fussy scale and not too, um, well, GAY?

Oh, the hand-wringing we must endure through this and two more votes. And then the title round -- the Final Four of Mod Jocks!

Why not hold it over the summer, before NFL training camp and the MLB postseason? You know, during the not-so-vogue WNBA season? How can sports fans be expected to concentrate on football and baseball with all this chic going on?

Anna Bananas! B-A-N-A-N-A-S!

2007-10-06T20:51:00.000-04:00

Sports blogger: Let's do something about Anna Kournikova!

Sports editor: Why? What's she done?

Blogger: Well, I don't know. But CelebrityGossip.net has a new item on her and Enrique in Miami.

Editor: What's the news peg?

Blogger: News peg?

Editor: You know, what's the news about Kournikova? What makes her worth our bandwidth today?

Blogger: New photos!

Editor: You're kidding? Photos?

Blogger: Anytime there are fresh pics of Anna, that's news.

Editor: Oh, I see -- celebrity journalism. Um, doesn't she at least have to be arrested or pregnant or losing custody of her children, like Paris, Nicole or Britney?

Blogger: Well, uh, ... She IS wearing a bikini.

... And Touching on Alyssa Milano ...

2007-10-04T23:19:00.000-04:00

As the Queen of Baseball Groupies, Alyssa Milano has had a year of "overwhelming success."

Hype aside, at 34, she has pulled off a comeback this season that rivals Rick Ankiel's do-over.

Before April, the one-time ingenue from "Who's the Boss?" had become the ex-"cougar" of Carl Pavano, Barry Zito, Brad Penny and Russell Martin. Then last spring, backed by MLB, Milano launched her line of fan gear for women.

Voilà! Now she's a chirpy, philanthropic media darling, awash in money and job offers.

The former "Charmed" star's current gig is MLB playoffs correspondent -- writing a blog for TBS ~~Hottie~~ HotCorner and shooting girlie-type features in which she breathlessly interviews Theo Epstein and giggles cutely on "Live with Regis & Kelly."

She's also resurrecting her film career -- with "The Blue Hour," the gorefest "Pathology" and Lifetime's "Wisegal."

Okay, so Oscar night will have to wait. But maybe Milano's done caricaturing herself a la "Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star," and playing Anna Benson II.

The Milano makeover includes this feature in Details in which she insists she's done dating ballplayers. For her, a plumber or a doctor, please. (Or maybe the article's writer, as he's slobbering all over her 36C's here....)

Still, don't expect baseball's favorite "Annie" to get all virtuous. Milano's a tart at heart, and no Ciara-inspired soliloquies on her part will change that. (Sometimes I wish I could act like a boy...)

As cute and perky as she is, would we want it any other way?

DWTS's Dweeb, & Ours: Mark Cuban

2007-10-03T02:34:00.000-04:00

We just can't resist peeking from behind our hands when sports celebs angle for fame in the Don't-Care-About-Sports world. The VISC currently swimming beyond our ropes may be one of the least likely to rep-re-sent -- Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban, who has now advanced past the second round on "Dancing with the Stars."

How on earth, you ask? His "exuberance," said the judges, after Cuban and his Aussie bombshell partner, Kym Johnson, showed off their mambo Monday night.

"Your face was dancing twice as hard as your body," giggled one judge.

Another noted, "You were like a match -- hot at the top, wooden down below." (Don't even go there, y'all. The D-C-A-S world that devotes itself to "D with the S" would be horrified, so leave it alone, you filthy-minded curs.)

One hesitates to admit it, but there's something disconcertingly cool about Cuban. Certainly having billions doesn't hurt. Also, owning an NBA team has gotta be way niftier than barely owning the TV you watch them on (ahem). And despite Dirk Nowitzki's head-scratching devotion to David Hasselhoff, hanging with him and Avery & the gang can't have done anything but boost Cuban's groovy quotient. Plus, I hear that if you write him at his blog, Blog Maverick, where he's currently going on about "DWTS," he's been known to write back.

Also, in this "It's Hip to Be a Techie Dweeb" era, he's got all the hipness that wildly successful dorktitude can get you.

Still, immersed as Cuban is in urban/wired pop culture, dweebness will ever out. One imagines he'll never outgrow his Ritalin-deprived know-it-allity, nor his cringe-inducing, net-worth-referencing braggadocio. He's 49, and still sticks his tongue out at photographers. And for god's sake, though pale and hirsute, he's partial to basic tees and Mavs jerseys without an undershirt.

Though he's been channeling his inner Kevin James on "DWTS," I'm more inclined to see Cuban as a black-haired Ralph Malph -- hammy, but clueless.

Who knows how long he'll last on the show. Cuban's "Watch me!" competitive bent has paid off as far as dance technique. At the same time, he's what my grandmother would have called a "neuzil" -- Czech slang for someone who never learns.

God forbid Cuban should win. How much more of him can we stand?

Tattology: Young Vince Young

2007-10-01T18:36:00.000-04:00

Sometimes one must take the bad with the good.

Thanks to DeadSpin.com and SportsWrap BeRecruited, Vince Young has been yanked back from the brink of fashion worthiness. Never underestimate the power of a tattoo to tag you for life as a bush-league cornball.

(For the record, last year I talked my then 19-year-old son out of getting a similar tattoo -- i.e. surname on his back, football-jersey style. He had a Berg family crest inked on his shoulder instead ... No matter that I said, "What Berg family crest?")

Vince Young: A 60 Minutes Makeover

2007-10-01T00:57:00.000-04:00

As I'm usually geekily reverent toward CBS's "60 Minutes," I get cringy when the show has a particularly egregious Sunday night. Like tonight.

The episode featured a two-part profile of Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas ... behind the scenes. Who'd have guessed such an eminent and (supposedly) erudite personage would cruise the country in an RV, pit-stopping at night in Wal-Mart parking lots? Dude wears turquoise Izod polos tucked into his Dockers while pulling in a $200K annual salary plus untold tens of thousands on the lecture circuit. Izod. Hrmph.

This is the untold story of the most important black man in America.

The show's last segment featured arguably one of the country's most popular African-American men, Tennessee Titans QB Vince Young. Only now viewers got the cliche: a young (and grammatically challenged) black athlete, making $5.8 mil a year, bellyaching about being disrespected. One can almost hear the collective "Waa" sweeping the nation.

Not a peep about his impressive work ethic, leadership skills, socially conscious decision-making or all-around good-guy-ness.

Best of all, dearest fashionistas, Young knows clothes -- as the above pic as well as this shot from the 2006 Espys and especially this, from last summer's awards, can attest. Young might have scored a 6 on his first whack at the Wonderlic, but he also had the stones to wear fleece and jeans to the White House.

"60 Minutes" clearly missed a great story.

Hmm, Izod-n-khakis meets similarly dressed reporter? Or regular guy shakes the hand of the president? Which man strikes you as more honest and trustworthy?

Bengals Fans: Suit Up

2007-09-28T17:10:00.000-04:00

For football fans in Cincinnati, the recent flocks of pigeons homing into Paul Brown Stadium gives new meaning to the Queen City's sartorial tradition of painting on one's Bengals stripes.

The Cincinnati Enquirer reported today that stadium officials have asked the city's permission to have shooters take out the dirty birds, which have been nesting on the pipes and beams at club-level and plastering patrons with their droppings.

Once pigeons settle in, they're all but impossible to shoo. What draws the beady-eyed scavengers to PBS, of course, is also what attracts rats and cockroaches, the scourges of all urban areas: human leftovers.

Paul Brown Stadium, which seats nearly 65,600, operates 56 concession stations. Jumbo hot dogs. Chili-cheese fries. Stuffed fajitas. Hamburgers. Nachos with cheese sauce. Giant soft pretzels. Morsels of which are up for grabs as "Who Dey?" freaks in face paint high-five their buddies and jostle their neighbors, or are left behind as fans slouch, dumbstruck after yet another stomach-turning loss, toward the parking lot. A weekly smorgasbord-orgasbord-orgasbord for the Bengals' feathered clean-up crew.

What comes out the other end and lands in your five-dollar-and-50-cent beer isn't just unsightly and noxious. Pigeon poo reputedly transmits diseases like salmonella and encephalitis.

For the well-heeled Bengals fan, whose team is currently 1-2 and about to face the Patriots on Monday night, gearing up for game day in an "Ocho Cinco" jersey and a brown paper bag might already be passe. Until the stadium's avian plague abates, the height of fashion in Cincinnati this season is a gas mask in black and orange.

Bad Newz for Michael Vick

2007-08-20T17:43:00.000-04:00

Michael Vick's lawyers announced today that the Atlanta Falcons QB will accept a plea bargain from federal prosecutors over dog-fighting charges, to plead guilty and probably serve jail time.

In the long run, this is great news for dogs. And one hopes the Vick case will carry weight as a cautionary tale for those (including NFL players and other athletes) tempted to use pit bulls and other "mean" dogs as symbols for how badass and macho they are. Animals deserve better than to play the proxy for human folly.

For Vick, though, the news is grim -- and no one should be happy about it.

* His defense team bungled his case from the start, especially (as TMQ points out) in not having him fess up and apologize back in April, when the dog-fighting investigation first made news. A quick admission of guilt and remorse would have: 1) helped avoid his later indictment and public downfall; 2) kept him from lying about his guilt to Falcons officials and NFL commissioner Roger Goodell; and 3) gone a long way toward rehabilitating his increasingly negative image.

* Though the black community in Atlanta has circled Vick's wagon (see Michael Wilbon's well-balanced take here), real friends are something the city's "biggest cultural star ever" is in desperately short supply of. The "crew" he once swore loyalty to, no-good-niks he grew up with in Newport News, VA and refused to part ways with even when Falcons officials urged him to, turned on him at the first sign of trouble. Those who stood by Vick over the QB's past indiscretions (the drugs found in his truck, the water bottle, the Ron Mexico alias, the stolen Rolex and the dirty bird) are no longer shouting his praises. His former NFL coaches, Dan Reeves and Jim Mora, are stunned. Falcons owner Arthur Blank and Virginia Tech coach Frank Beamer are sad, disappointed and troubled. And though Vick's friends around the league say they hate to see him thrown under the bus, others in the NFL seem to have turned into tut-tutting rubberneckers. Michael Vick is now a pariah.

* Rarely are athletes-turned-lepers able to redeem themselves in the public eye. Witness the singularity of Muhammad Ali. On a smaller scale, maybe Ray Lewis. More often, they are given a second chance, like Ron Artest, Bam Morris and Mo Clarett, then blow it.

Mike Vick might not get a meaningful second shot. Out this season, likely in jail through 2008, with maybe an NFL suspension to serve after that, the 27-year-old Vick might not play another down in the league until he's 30. Even then, the prognoses for a successful comeback aren't optimistic. The dog-fighting baggage will make things bad enough. Remember that all Terrell Owens did was run his mouth, and afterward no team but the Cowboys would touch him.

And T.O. is one of the best players in the NFL at his position. Vick, well, isn't. He may have been able, at 24, to bust a move and excite the hope of his teammates and fans. But a 30-something running QB with no arm isn't much different than a 30-something tailback -- that difference-making speed will be long gone.

Vick will never get his Rumble in the Jungle. During his absence from the ring of his chosen sport, no one is going to have an epiphany that dog-fighting is laudable, or even okay.

One hopes that privately Vick will come to grips with what he's done and that, in making amends, he will be forgiven. But however his personal life turns out, Vick -- like Barry Bonds, Pete Rose and O.J. Simpson -- will likely remain an abomination in public for the rest of his life.

As horrifying and tragic as they were, his crimes don't demand that kind of punishment. Anyone who thinks so isn't any more civilized than culture of violence they claim to abhor.

Sportswriters Love Strip Clubs, Too

2007-08-16T14:06:00.000-04:00

"Kissing Suzy Kolber" has this interesting entry today that deserves a look.

I met ESPN.com's new EIC Rob King last spring (when he was still on the TV side), and he brought along a great piece of show-n-tell: the cover of USAToday in which the feature stories on the NFL's crackdown on athlete conduct was accompanied by 41 mugshot-style photos of players -- 39 of which were black. The pics were in some cases just hooey. For example, former Philly LB Dhani Jones (now with NO) was busted in March 2006 for a misdemeanor charge of "failure to obey a lawful command." The bow-tie-wearing Jones, famous mostly for being the Iggles' resident philosopher-poet-musician-nerd, had been busted b/c he didn't stop dancing in the street after police told him to. And Jones wasn't the only athlete in USAToday's character-assassination montage who was miscast as a troublemaking (you know, b-l-a-c-k) criminal.

Race has become such an issue in sports -- especially this year, with the over-the-top coverage of Barry Bonds, Gary Sheffield, Pacman Jones, Tank Johnson, the Duke lacrosse case and now Mike Vick. African-Americans have raised some voices about what they see as the discrepancy between the coverage of white athletes and black -- but too bad, so sad, because the sporting press refuses to do much about it. Americans are lucky to see/read stories that merely observe that voice-raising in action; most of the time it's either pooh-poohed, denied outright or ignored altogether.

To do more than that, Big Sports Media would have to first admit it has a problem.

Of course, that might also require thinking before spouting -- not exactly their strong suit.

Jones No Longer Chipper with Reporters

2007-08-10T01:07:00.000-04:00

What's not to like about Chipper Jones' telling the New York media to beat it?

Seems the Atlanta Braves' third baseman spoke with reporters before his team's series with the NY Mets at Shea Stadium on Wednesday. Inevitably, the focus was on Barry Bonds surpassing Hank Aaron as the career home run king and Alex Rodriguez hitting No. 500 -- and possibly someday overtaking Bonds.

Did Jones accuse A-Rod of being a steroid cheat? Far from it. He said the Bonds controversy would likely also cast a shadow on A-Rod and anyone else putting up great numbers. Nothing more than every talking head across the country has been saying since the BALCO story broke in 2003.

Dude's been in the big leagues for 13 years, and didn't see this coming? In Gotham, of all places? After Bonds hit No. 756? Sheesh.

Still, you gotta love a done-wrong ballplayer telling the press box buzzards, "I've been nice to you my whole career, but you all started crap, so I'm done with you."

Afterward, Homie would only talk to his reporter-boys from the ATL.

In the Doghouse

2007-07-19T18:02:00.000-04:00

Atlanta Falcons QB Michael Vick (alias Ron Mexico, alias the "coach killer," alias Ookie) has, as you prob'ly already know, been indicted on federal conspiracy charges for his alleged part in the dog-fighting operation that was run out of his Smithfield, VA home.

(Here's the indictment from The Smoking Gun, if you're interested in the gory details.)

Word is today that Nike has suspended this summer's release of the Air Zoom VickV, though the shoe company will keep selling other Vick-endorsed shoes and jerseys.

You might be surprised Nike had a new Vick shoe to begin with, the way the one-time NFL Golden Boy's stock has dropped in the last couple years. In fact, one report shows just how far the former Va Tech star has fallen: Vick's once ubiquitous No. 7 jersey was the second highest seller in 2005 (BION, Raiders WR Randy Moss' was No. 1), but this year has plummeted to No. 33.

No matter. In 2004, Vick, 27, signed a 10-year, $137 million contract with the Falcons. He dudn't need no stinkin' jersey money -- a little sumthin' he clued Dirty Bird fans into last season.

You gotta wonder what's going on in his head. In 2001, as the first pick in the draft, the Newport News native came into the NFL looking like the second coming of JC. The commentariat was wide-eyed, and defenses were terrified -- the "Human Highlight" quickly became a regular on SportsCenter's top ten plays of the day/week/season and made the Pro Bowl in just his second season (also in 2005 and 2006). His awesome scrambling led the Falcons to the playoffs, where they beat the favored Packers in Green Bay in 2003 before losing to the Eagles in the NFC divisional playoff, and even took the Birds as far as the NFC title game in 2004.

But then Vick's magic ended. Promises to improve his almost non-existent passing game were bunk, and defenses figured out how to contain the Falcon's two-pronged running game. The one-time ESPN college football player of the year was looking more and more like a bust. And the more pressure he was under on the field, the more we heard about him off the field. The herpes lawsuit. The bird-flip. The water bottle. The trade rumors that finally ended in Matt Schaub going to Houston, with the Falcons picking up Joey Harrington. Suddenly, Michael seems all too like his brother Marcus.

All of the above might be dismissed as das volk finally losing faith in an athlete they'd expected too much from to begin with. It might have been dismissed as the inevitable rough patches that celebrity athletes have along the way. Something maybe Vick could have recovered from, especially if he suddenly added a passing attack to his running game.

But the dog fighting? Electrocuting a pit bull? Executing at least eight dogs, one of them by slamming it to the ground?

There's no recovery from that. This season, Vick will be DOA.

News reports suggest Vick and his two co-defendants could serve up to six years in jail if convicted, but if you've ever watched "Animal Cops" on Animal Planet, you know no one who abuses animals ever gets much more than a fine and maybe community service. As this press release from the Louisiana SPCA shows, convictions are rare, penalties light, and offenders can clear their records by paying a measly $125. Prime example: Former NFL journeyman RB LeShon Johnson got five years on probation and a pathetic $2,000 fine for his role as the leader in a dog-fighting venture that was much bigger than the one Vick has been indicted for; 21 people in addition to Johnson were arrested in the case, and over 140 dogs were seized.

(Here's a link to one exception: A guy who'd booby-trapped his property to keep people from nosing around his dog-fighting operation. He was sentenced to 40 years in prison after a survey crew was blasted with pellets from his gun-rigged traps.)

Luckily, dog-fighting recently became a felony offense in most states (all but Dick Cheney's Wyoming and Idaho). Still, convicted offenders are usually let off with misdemeanor penalties. Too bad because, as this story reports, dog-fighting seems to have grown much more popular. One news report stated that while 16 dog-fighting operations were shut down in 2006, there have already been 127 busts this year.

I'm not into schadenfreude, but for dogs' sake, let's hope Michael Vick doesn't completely scramble his way out of this jam.

Advice from Rice

2007-01-16T15:25:00.000-05:00

Former San Francisco 49er Jerry Rice is handing out all sorts of advice these days. The retired wide receiver says he counseled Emmitt Smith on how to win last season's "Dancing with the Stars."

"I told Emmitt how to interact with the audience, and I told him to smile at (judge) Carrie Ann," said Rice, who was often criticized by the show's judges late in the season before earning second place.

The all-time NFL great was in Manhattan on Tuesday to sign copies of his new book, "Go Long: My Journey Beyond the Game and the Fame."

Wearing a natty black suit and trailed by a throng of Random House PR types, Rice attracted a crowd at a Wall Street bookstore after spending the morning giving interviews on Fox & Friends and Good Morning America, where he danced with co-host Robin Roberts.

"Look me in the eye, then you look at the audience," Rice urged the one-time SportsCenter anchor, explaining what he learned as a contestent on "Dancing with the Stars."

"We're just going to move the hips a little bit. Just work the hips," he told Roberts.

In his book, the 13-time Pro Bowler says he was at first skeptical about appearing on the popular reality show, but how doing something that took him out of his comfort zone influenced how he approaches his life now that he's retired.

"It scared me to death," he said Tuesday.

Having to wear dance shoes with "a little heel" on them was particularly embarrassing, said Rice, and he knew his NFL buddies and the media would give him the business.

"Still, I was able to go out there and do something real special," said Rice. "I was able to just go for it, and had fun."

After 20 years in the NFL, Rice retired last fall from the Niners, the team that drafted him in the first round in 1985. The league's all-time receptions leader also played for the Oakland Raiders and the Seattle Seahawks. He signed a 1-day contract in 2006 to return to San Francisco in order to retire as a 49er.

With his new can-do spirit, Rice is planning on becoming his own one-man guidance center. The 44-year-old Crawford, Miss. native starts work in March on a reality show of his own called "Jerry Rice's Life Squad."

"The show will focus on Jerry helping people overcome obstacles to get what they want in life," said Rice's personal manager Sasha Taylor.

Rice is working with Banyan Productions, creators of the home design show "Trading Spaces," and "Life Squad" will air on TLC, though no date has been set for its launch.

Until then, Rice will stay busy promoting his book. He travels next to California, then plans to end his book tour in early Feb. in Miami, where he'll appear as a guest analyst on several network programs during the run up to the Super Bowl.

No doubt Terry Bradshaw, Howie Long and all the other NFL retirees hosting those shows will take a peek under their desk to see what sort of shoes he has on.

No F*** League

2007-01-16T10:42:00.000-05:00

D'you see the near-goth blond chick with Da Black Tee during Saturday's Iggles-Saints game in New Orleans -- if you tuned into Fox, you couldn't have missed her.

Panning for hotties, the cameraman (or camerawoman, since they too are encouraged to pan the crowds at sporting events for women that male FB fans would consider hotties) alit on Miss Thing who wore a t-shirt that said, "Fuck Da Eagles."

It was a near-nipple moment.

What happened to the 5-second delay?

More shocking than the f-bomb on the chick's chest was Fox's casual treatment of the shot -- actually, at least two shots. Joe "Saint Peter" Buck, usually so quick to judge the behavior of others, didn't utter a squeak of outrage.

Of course, it was all over the "Around the Horn" and "PTI" beat (Tony Kornheiser called the woman "hot"), with everyone frowning and finger-pointing and condemning.

As if there was no other cussing at the Super Dome on Saturday.

No, Andy Reid just growled at his QB Jeff Garcia for wasting a first-half time-out. And, obviously, he wouldn't curse at himself for punting the game away in the 4th quarter. Never!

No, the Eagles run D never said a word after Deuce McAllister sliced them raw time and again.

Nope, foul language just doesn't happen at NFL games.

As the Worldwide Leader Turns

2007-01-12T14:32:00.000-05:00

Word is, says Deadspin (via Synergy Sports), that the plug has been pulled on "Quite Frankly with Stephen A. Smith." It'll be curtains for Screamin' A after tonight's show at 11 p.m. ET on The Duece.

Rest in peace. I tuned in last week to see Smith winging his way through a segment with Tony Hawk. Not only did Screamin' A not know squat about Hawk or skateboarding, he didn't have the first clue that Hawk, yawn, is way, like, yesterday. (Did that sound enough like Lindsay Jacobellis? Whoa.) You know that when the host isn't even interested in his own show enough to pay attention, something's gotta give.

Not only is the Worldwide Leader jettisoning the sports world's only late-night talk show and its attitudinous host, The Big Lead reported recently that Smith and the rest of the fellas from "NBA ShootAround" have been kicked off the court in favor of the A-team of Dan Patrick, Michael Wilbon and Mark Jackson.

TBL is calling the move, rumored to be one part of a larger overhaul engineered by current programming director John Skipper, the End of the Boo-yah Era. (Read about the diff between the reigns of ex-programming chief Mark Shapiro and my fav guy on campus, Skipper, here.)

The wicked Boo-yah Era is dead, all hail John Skipper!

I'm all for a change of pace at ESPN. Segments like "The Quarterback & the Professor" were moronic; no one ever warmed up to "Cold Pizza"; and if we have to put up with Skip Bayless for even one more minute, I'm sticking my head in the oven.

Also, hasn't ESPN always prided itself on pushing the envelope? For the last few years, it's been sealed inside, not even realizing it needed to get out. You know the cable giant was behind the times when even NBA Commish David Stern adjusted to sports fans' backlash against A Black Planet** three to four years before someone in Bristol figured it out.

But do they have to ditch Greg Anthony and John Saunders? Both are great guys, and too good to be shunted off, like snoozer Reggie Miller, to game coverage. Also, Patrick, with that horrible dyed hair, caked makeup and embarrassing litany of endorsement deals, is an overbearing weiner. And while someone may think Wilbon and Jackson will add some spice to pre-, halftime and post-game analysis on ESPN's NBA coverage, well, let's just say that Ernie, Kenny and Charles they ain't.

But maybe that Tedious Trio won't last. Transition always means temporary change before something else settles in. What will that something else be? Earnest and dorky, or sassy and snarky? Gawker/Deadspin-like? No doubt informed by current pop culture -- and doesn't that give you pause....

(** Note: If you haven't read David Sheilds, it's too late.)

Checking In On the Kidds

2007-01-10T13:21:00.000-05:00

New Jersey Nets PG Jason Kidd requested a temporary restraining order against his recently estranged wife on Monday, then filed for a divorce Tuesday.

It's a sexy story. Seven-time All Star, once charged with domestic assault*, accusing his former model/celeb TV reporter wife** of "extreme cruelty."

But which paper has the top copy? The NYPost story is juicy, but not up to Page Six standards. The NYTimes, NYDaily News and NewJersey.com all published original reporting on the break-up, but each offers only a spoonful of flour or sugar to this particular cinnamon twist. The real spice comes from Associated Press reporter Beth DeFalco.

The Post spots Joumana as a woman scorned. Jason has been tomcatting til all hours, and Miss Sideline Exhibitionist thinks her husband of 10 years is steppin' out. The Post never says so outright, but the article mentions telltale clues -- a mysterious woman in a white Porsche leaving Jason's house under police escort; Joumana raging at a game, shouting insults at her husband while he plays and waving his cell phone about; Joumana kicking Jason out of their house, and tossing his clothes after him. (The Post's reporters add to their story here for FoxNews.com.)

Liz Robbins at the Times says Joumana will file a counterclaim, adding that the couple separated a month ago. The Daily News counters that, claiming the Kidds haven't been all right all season long. NewJersey.com reporters only add a comment from Kidd's attorney, saying Joumana's abusive behavior has affected the couple's three children.

DeFalco, though, gets the goods. A former staff writer for the Arizona Republic, and now in NJ with AP, DeFalco reports on the contents of the dissolution papers -- which say, among other things, that Joumana has threatened to make false domestic abuse allegations against her husband. Given her episodes of extreme rage, paranoia and jealousy, Jason, the papers say, is concerned about his wife's "emotional stability."

DeFalco, who met Kidd when he played for the Phoenix Suns, also reports that the Kidd marriage has been on the rocks for several years. In that time, Joumana, who once lobbied to replace Melissa Stark on "Monday Night Football," has abused her man multiple times -- kicking, punching and hitting him.

DeFalco doesn't drop the same salacious suggestions the Post does, but she includes alarming details that lead to the same conclusion. For example, Kidd's court papers show Joumana using the couple's 8-year-old son T.J. to get into the Nets locker room to swipe Jason's cell phone -- the same cell phone she waves at him from the sidelines during her recent public outburst. Kidd also said his wife had used tracking devices in his cars and computers to keep tabs on him. If this isn't the behavior of a woman whose husband is fooling around, I don't know what is.

Whatever the story is, this NBA couple will visit another kind of court Jan. 17. And a week is a long time for a celeb marriage on the skids in the New York metro area.

* Note #1: SuperSonics beat writer Frank Hughes noted yesterday in his Tacoma News Tribune blog that Kidd's wife-beating charge in 2000 stemmed from another attack of the green-eyed monster. And all this time, we thought it was over a french fry.

** Note #2: NBATV's bio page for Joumana Kidd was taken offline today, so this link is the Google cache. Her NBATV bio link now redirects readers to the current listings page.

No Tressel For Buckeyes

2007-01-09T20:43:00.000-05:00

Tressel -- \tres'sel\, n. A trestle. (Latin origins, from transtillum, a little crossbeam.) 1. A movable frame or support. 2. The frame of a table. 3. A board used by architects for drawing designs upon.

Okay, okay, so Ohio State blew it Monday night, big time. But the problem wasn’t the loss of Teddy Ginn Jr. to injury in the first quarter.

Nor did No. 2 Florida make Gator-bait of the No. 1 Buckeyes because the SEC is so much better than the Big Ten.

And, please, spare me the SEC butt-sniffers crowing that Heisman Trophy winner Troy Smith fell on his facemask. (The same Schadenfreude that met Smith’s collapse also rejoiced in Reggie Bush's lame title performance in 2006. There's no shortage of creeps among sports fans.)

(Note: Just to put to rest any foolishness that Florida QB Chris Leak even comes close to Heisman-level play, consider this: In the Gators’ 14 games this season, Leak had as many games with negative rushing yardage as those with yards to the good. He ended the season with only 30 total rushing yards.)

Finally, gimme a break with the whole 51-day-layoff argument. We all know the span between season’s end and the bowl games is ridiculously long. Something needs to be done. The Big Ten is especially guilty, since it doesn’t offer a conference championship game and its season ends two weeks before the SEC’s does. Still, Florida didn’t spank the Bucks because it got more playing time in December.

The Gators whupped Ohio State because Urban Meyers had a better gameplan than Jim Tressel, plain and simple. It’s true that Florida’s speed killed – especially in getting their defense all over Troy Smith. But the fact is, Tressel (pictured) never adjusted – and whether it was his offense and his defense on the field, the same chaos ensued again and again.

His zone D couldn’t figure out Florida’s surprisingly varied aerial attack, but did Tressel try a man-to-man? Buck fans are lucky their team lost by only 27 points – as the saying goes, it wasn't as close as the score suggests.

On offense, Ohio State forced the pass for most of the game, feeling pressure to get points on the board after how many 3-and-outs? (Five.) Poor Antonio Pittman got only 10 carries, less than half of what he should have seen. With shortsighted and predictable play-calling, the Bucks were sitting ducks – especially with Florida’s speed and what turned out to be the best execution of that team’s entire season.

Ohio State’s players might think it was all their fault. Too bad. Tressel and his coaching staff shouldn’t Tom Coughlin their way out of responsibility for this loss by blaming Troy Smith and his teammates. When one or two or even three players fail, it’s prob’ly the players. When an entire team flops, quarter after excruciating quarter, a coach needs to look himself square in the eye.

This Tressel was supposed to provide meaningful support for what was described all season as a pretty young and inexperienced team. Instead, it's back to the drawing board. Let's hope that board will prove steadier next year when it matters.

The NCAA Handicapper General

2006-12-19T20:47:00.000-05:00

In Indianapolis, Do-Gooders have run amok.

How is it that the same NCAA that whistles past the graveyard of real issues wants to micromanage the life out of programs that are doing just fine?

Academic fraud is as bad as ever, the BCS Championship Series needs a kick in the pants, and boosters still rule college sports.

But what is upsetting the NCAA? Men practicing with women's teams, says the Committee on Women's Athletics. This 12-member Chicken Little thinks its onto some serious problems:

1. Using male players in practice hurts the feelings of benchwarmers who don't think they're getting to play enough.

Said one committee member: The message to a team's also-rans is "'you are not good enough to make our starters better, so we need to use men instead.'"

So, uh, let's make sure no one gets any better so the pine-riders feel better?

2. Using male players "implies an archiac notion of male preeminence that continues to impede progress toward gender equity and inclusion."

Are they saying male players aren't really better -- we just allow them to think so by inviting them to challenge women players?

Competing against men helps women improve -- thus actually makes more progress toward gender equity, right?

It also makes men more inclined to respect women as athletes, says former player and coach Nancy Leiberman. (Here is Mechelle Voepel's column in which male practice players past and present voice their views on the subject.)

Let's think about this another way. You're the parent of a 15-year-old who's got skillz. To make her the best player she can be, do you try to get her on a club team full of 13-year-olds or one whose players are 17?

This is a no-brainer. To pose the use of male practice players as an ethical dilemma is the sort of academic nitpicking that has no real-world relevance. Go ahead -- ask Detroit Shock head coach Bill Laimbeer how useful the NCAA's proposal would be. Or talk to top college and pro players -- most of whom grew up competing against boys.

Women are able and competitive -- qualities to be encouraged and challenged. Limiting these in some women in order to make other, less able and less competitive women feel better isn't progress. It's appeasement. The NCAA shouldn't validate and encourage backdoor cat-fighting or 19th-century notions of fair play.

If the CWA wants promote inclusion and equity for women, why are they proposing to hold back those women most able and willing to work for it?

Speak Softly & Send in a Goon

2006-12-18T19:52:00.000-05:00

Denver Nuggets semi-superstar Carmelo Anthony was suspended 15 games today for his heavy-handed role in a shoving match that broke out at Madison Square Garden Saturday night.

Word is, Knicks head coach Isiah Thomas, ever reprising his role as a "Bad Boy," was steamed: Four Nuggets starters remained on the floor in the last minutes of what had turned into a blowout game. (Final score: 123-100.) And Zeke is not gonna stand for being disrespected in his own house.

No Knicks players have admitted Thomas (pictured) told them to show the Nuggets a little somethin'-somethin' if the dissing continued -- but that's exactly what guard Mardy Collins did.

With just over a minute left, Denver PG Andre Miller swiped the ball from Knicks WB David Lee, and tossed it to J.R. Smith on the break. As Smith went up for the lay-in, Collins hooked his neck like a vaudeville stage manager and took him to the ground. Then, as the Chattering Classes would say, it got ugly from there.

Nuggets head coach George "The Snarl" Karl today said the incident was "premeditated, and there's no doubt in my mind it was directed by Isiah."

The most we know is that the forever-fiesty former Pistons great pulled Melo aside before the fracas broke out and warned him to stay out of the lane. (Thomas said in his post-game presser that he merely told Anthony that he and Marcus Camby "shouldn't even be in the game," seeing as how "they were having their way with us.")

David Stern did not fine or suspend Thomas, though the NBA commish had heard about the coach's possible role in the mayhem.

The most delicious footnote of the story involves the player Melo sucker punched, Mardy Collins. Though TNT's Reggie Miller called Collins a "hired hitman" for his role in taking out J.R. Smith, the words the rookie is prob'ly more familiar with are "goon" and "thug": Collins was a three-year starter at Temple under John "Send in the Goon" Chaney. In this pre-draft analysis, Collins, a late-first-round draft pick*, is described as an intelligent player "who does exactly what's asked of him by his coaches."

Poor schmuck. When you're averaging 3.6 minutes and 1.4 points per game playing for the 9-17 New York Knicks under the Robert Mugabe of the NBA, you sure as hell will do exactly what's asked of you.

(* Thanks to readers for this correction: Collins didn't go undrafted -- he was the 29th overall pick.)

In Columbus, Abel Finally Slays Cain

2006-12-08T14:13:00.000-05:00

Troy Smith has just one of a few more days with his personal ball and chain. Tomorrow the Ohio State quarterback should win the Heisman Trophy, and the bronze statuette will surely be a burden he'll happily bear for the rest of his days.

Smith (pictured) deserves the award, too. In a head-scratcher, Notre Dame QB Brady Quinn beat out Smith for the Maxwell Award, which honors the player of the year. Puh-lease. Mediocre team + smart coaching + above average talent under center = Quinn. They threw the pretty boy a bone. Quinn won't take the prize in New York City on Saturday.

Nonetheless, reporters will compare these two QBs' achievements this season. They'll praise both, calling them fierce competitors and all-around good guys, maybe even portray them as off-the-field friends.

But the reality in Medialand and in Columbus is that Troy Smith has had much stiffer competition over the last couple years than Quinn could ever give him. And his odds were long. Should the Cleveland native win both the Heisman and the BCS title, he'll shake off at long last the specter of his former teammate and Ohio State's championship-winning prodigal son, Maurice Clarett.

By all accounts, Smith could have ended up like Clarett. Check out Pat Forde's profile of the Buckeye captain here. It's a familiar story, one we heard again and again in 2002. Ghetto born and bred. A deeply flawed mother. The estranged father. Repeated run-ins with authority and the law. When Smith was suspended for taking money from a booster in 2004, the public eye went back and forth from Clarett to Smith so often, you knew people were looking for a second scarlet letter.

No one in the press much talked about that head-to-head competition. But it was there. Clarett had become like a fever, and his contagion spread to Jim Tressel and Ohio State and other Buckeye FB players. In his wake was a guilty Smith. Had Smith faltered, the word would have been a snarky "Go figure."

But No. 10 didn't go the way of No. 13. To put it in terms Clarett still might not understand, Smith stayed in the pocket. He turned toward his coaches, not away. He begged their guidance instead of spurning it. He developed his talent and skills rather than racing out ahead of them. In doing so, he has earned the trust and respect of his teammates in a way the pure flame of talent and will that was Mo Clarett never could.

Clarett may have lifted the Buckeyes on his shoulders in 2002 and carried them to a national championship. But ultimately he was crushed beneath the pile.

Troy Smith has taken on the weight of his team, its coach and Buckeye Nation along with the burden of Clarett's legacy. And he's about to hand off one image of a man stiff-arming the world and pick up another. The second one will be a whole lot easier to carry.

A Brown Turned Upside Down

2006-12-06T18:59:00.000-05:00

Did anyone ever check how many concussions Bernie Kosar suffered during his 12-year NFL career? Because the former Cleveland Browns quarterback has announced that he wants the head coaching job at the University of Miami left open after Larry Coker was fired following a 6-6 season.

Has the former 'Canes QB ever coached? Well, no.

But he owns a steakhouse in Florida, just like Don Shula. Doesn't that count for something?

Does he know anything about running a program? Uh, no.

But he watched a few game films this season with Browns signal caller Charlie Frye. Isn't that enough?

Does Kosar have the goods to coach at the Div. I level? Hmm, prob'ly not.

But he started work as a color commentator for the Browns this season. Doesn't that mean anything?

If you're this blogger (scroll down a little), who thinks Bernie might be on crack, that means diddly. In case the "crack" comment seems mighty Left Field for you, Kosar's soon-to-be-ex-wife thinks he's cracking up too.

Kosar has followed the Pro Athlete After Retirement routine since he leaving his last NFL team, the Dolphins, in 1996. But at times it's been touch and go.

He's been tempted by both parties to run for political office. He was smart enough to turn them down -- he is in the Academic All-America Hall of Fame, after all. He bought into the Florida Panthers franchise -- because he knows so much about the NHL. And in November, he joined "America's Most Wanted" to help track down the killer of a Florida man who had once been a Browns fan. (To answer your questions -- no, the dude had never met Bernie.)

Almost in spite of himself, though, Bernie made millions in real estate deals.

Once known as a thinking man's quarterback, Kosar was pass-wacky before NFL coaches, especially in land-lubbing Cleveland, knew what to do with the aeriel attack. Unfortunately for the Browns and for Kosar himself, the 6'5", 214-pound U grad was a tweener -- not the on-the-fly player Terry Bradshaw was, but not the system-oriented pocket pal Joe Montana was either. Kosar was a great passer, setting all sorts of amazing-seeming records (like throwing 308 passes without an INT). But bottome line: He was gawky and all too predictable, and once his O-line broke down, he scrambled about as well as your average, everyday egghead. (Which is to say, he couldn't.) Despite the chronic coulda-woulda-shoulda's forever emanating from the Dawg Pound, Bill Belichick did the right thing in 1993 when he axed Bernie the Beloved. Truth be told, Kosar was washed up after his 1987 Pro Bowl season. It was his head, it was said, not his body, that made him so good. And his head wasn't in it.

So, exactly where is his head now?

Maybe there's something to the notion that Kosar is more than just a little "off" these days.

Browns officials pooh-pooh this idea, saying Bernie's never been an eloquent talker -- and, oh, yeah, he's got a bad ankle, so that's why he stumbles. And lots of male-type Browns-message-board fans want to blame Kosar's wife for the former star's current predicament: She's a gold digger, just looking for an excuse to keep the $1.7 million house and the couple's four children.

But that's hooey.

The Kosars have been married for 16 years -- that's 112 in gold-digger years. No self-respecting Sugar Baby sticks that long. Only wives and mothers do.

Babette Kosar said Bernie has been acting erratic and irrational, hinting at addictions, and is giving away the farm all of a sudden -- statements released only in court documents. Mind you, she hasn't gone to the press with this stuff.

AND even fans have noticed he's acting weird? AND now he gets it in his head he can coach the Miami Hurricanes? Out-of-his-league long-shot that he is?

Bernie Kosar should have his head examined.

And all his old football buddies and fans shouldn't stand in his way.

Steelers QB Dogs It Back Home

2006-12-02T17:10:00.000-05:00

Ben Roethlisberger might be woofing on the field this season, but back home in Findley, Ohio, it's always a dog's life for the Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback.

When the Findley Police Department's K-9 Flip (pictured) was killed on Nov. 18, Roethlisberger, who grew up in the northwestern Ohio town, made the first withdrawal from his newly established charitable foundation to buy a new police dog for his hometown.

The donation from the former Findley High School and Miami University star was announced Friday at the memorial service for Flip.

"When I received the call that someone wanted to buy us a new dog, I knew it was Ben," said Findley police chief Bill Spraw. "It was very, very nice of him."

Flip, a five-year-old Belgian Malinois, was shot and killed while off-duty when he wandered away from the home of his handler, Officer Brian Deeter, and onto a neighbor's property. The Findley PD is still investigating the moron who shot him.

Roethlisberger is known as a friend to cops and dogs. The winning QB of Super Bowl XL has several friends on the FPD, and still works out with a couple of them. Also, Big Ben, whose father is a veterinarian, owns two dogs, a Rottweiler named Zeus and a Bernese Mountain Dog named Hercules.

Coaching Call

2006-11-29T16:04:00.000-05:00

An unexpected insight from the Land of NFL Columnists: Head coaches aren't perfect.

In his Tuesday Morning Quarterback column this week, Gregg Easterbrook takes several pro coaches to task. According to the refreshingly out-of-the-box TMQ, Lovie Smith, Jack Del Rio, Andy Reid, Jim Mora and, especially, Tom Coughlin made boneheaded calls last week that cost their teams wins. Worse, each and every one of them blamed their players instead of accepting responsibility.

Why is Easterbrook the only talking head with the intestinal fortitude to criticize coaches?

His observations, which are fairly obvious, seem almost revelatory. Why? In the NFL, coaches are gods.

To wit, David Halberstam writes a love-letter book to Bill Belichick, putting his imprimatur on the received wisdom (see this slobbery Web site) that the Pats coach is a football genius. (Not exactly a sentiment Browns fans repeat with awe; their take on the Belichick intellect can be summed up in one word: "Berniegate.")

Bill Parcells walks the sidelines each Sunday and cameras follow his every lumbering step. Why? Everyone's waiting for him to do something that will reveal his prodigious wisdom. (Parcell's no genius; he simply has a knack for motivating players -- and that talent has seen better days.)

During last year's contretemps over Terrell Owens, the commentariat's cudgel of choice was the Sanctity of Team. There's no I in TEAM. TEAM is less me and more we. Together Everyone Achieves More. The whole is greater than the sum of the parts. Talent wins games, but teamwork wins championships.

Uh-huh. What head coaches in the NFL do more than talk the talk?

Bill Cowher, maybe. Tony Dungy. Perhaps some of the guys in their first year (Gary Kubiak, Eric Mangini, Brad Childress, Sean Payton) might end up walking the walk, but who knows?

Dungy hasn't been anointed genius status, but is tagged as deeply flawed. No championship ring, no respect. Cowher had the same rep -- until the Steelers won the Super Bowl last year. But Pittsburgh's nose dive this season has placed an asterisk on the praise that title brought him.

Anyone else? Nope. Not a one. For most coaches, "winning and losing as a team" is one of those "do as I say, not as I do" things.

But maybe the more scrutiny coaching performances get, the more they might improve. Sounds like a familiar strategy, right?

Worked for the San Diego Chargers. In a rare instance of critique-the-coach, NFL analysts pointed to Marty Schottenheimer's conservative play-calling as the reason for the Bolts' two losses -- an approach they derided as "Martyball."

That three-syllable word spewed from everyone's yappers after SD lost to perennially bad coach Herm Edwards and his Chiefs, and Schottenheimer must have noticed. And answered. Since then, Philip Rivers has had his gunslinger pass stamped and the Chargers offense goes for broke every week. Now the No. 1 scoring offense in the league, putting up over 32 ppg, SD is 5-0 since the KC loss. No more Martyball.

Should bad coaches get the axe? No, because everyone deserves another chance. What they need is some honest evaluation. Then some humility, and a little elbow grease. A commitment to improve. A little less me and more we.

At least that's what they tell their players.

Let's Dis Sportswriters

2006-11-27T16:50:00.000-05:00

Chicago Sun-Times columnist and "Around the Horn" talking head Jay Mariotti wants to disenfranchise sportswriters -- no longer should those reporting and commenting on sports vote on, for example, Hall of Fame berths, college football polls, MVP awards and the Heisman Trophy winner.

Mariotti says sportswriters should report the news, not make it -- the same view held by the New York Times, Washington Post, Baltimore Sun and an increasing number of newspapers around the country.

I couldn't agree more, but would add two more reasons.

First, sportswriters too often forget they're journalists, thus held to the same ethical standards as other journalists. Should you need an example of sports journos who've trampled those ethics and clothes-lined the credibility of the profession, check out the print ad for Raymond Weil watches that uses ESPNers Dan Patrick, Trey Wingo and Steve Levy as celeb pitchmen.

(ESPNRadio ranter Patrick is an especially busy moonlighter, shilling for Cousins Subs, Consort Hair Care for Men and T.G.I.Friday restaurants. Believe it or not, in this Playboy article, Patrick claims to be "logo-free.")

Can these guys be objective in their professional approach to sports if they're bought and paid for by commercial interests? This is right out of Ethics 101, right?

The second reason scribblers shouldn't be given the vote is because they no longer have a corner on the market of sports information -- thus aren't necessarily any more informed about all things sports-related than fans.

Two trends bear this out.

1. The Internet makes sports info available to anyone who wants it, so serious fans often know as much or more than reporters and pundits.

2. The availability of info has created a class of sports experts extraordinaire. Examples abound. Football Outsiders. Cold, Hard Football Facts. 82Games. BaseballCrank. These are just a few of the skads of Web sites created and run by guys paying way more attention to sports than traditional sportswriters. And guess what? Sports media companies like ESPN and FoxSports have a habit of buying the rights to such sites. Why? Because they add the sort of credibility and objectivity to their coverage that readers crave.

But Joe Sullivan disagrees with disenfranchisement. The Boston Globe sports editor thinks journalists' "expertise produces the best results." Alas, he doesn't explain what expertise his reporters have that today's most informed fans don't OR exactly what he means by "the best results."

Sullivan's biggest reason for wanting the keep the vote? There's no alternative system for deciding such weighty matters as the American League MVP or who will take home the Heisman Trophy.

Okay, that makes sense: Since there's nothing better out there, let's keep things as they are.

Good thing Sullivan wasn't among our Founding Fathers, or tonight's NFL game would kick off with "God Save the Queen."

BCS Bully Points

2006-11-26T21:07:00.000-05:00

So NOW coaches and commentators are griping about the BCS, when it looks like USC will leapfrog into the No. 2 spot over Michigan and get a shot at playing in a third straight national title game. Well, waa.

ESPN.com's Gene Wojciechowski thinks the BCS should be "swimming with the fishes" because the Trojans have jumped ahead of the "slightly less flawed" Wolverines. Ivan Maisel gets his two cents in by writing about Florida coach Urban Meyer's disappointment with the system.

Woj argues that Big Blue is better because it creamed Notre Dame by 26 points in South Bend while USC barely slipped by the Irish in a 44-24 game at the Coliseum.

Not only that (which isn't a bad point; ND really is overrated), but Michigan's only loss was by 3 points to the No. 1 team in the country -- the, ahem, Ohio State Buckeyes. Whereas USC's 33-31 loss to unranked Oregon State in late October was an urp the Trojans should not be allowed to recover from.

But Woj and Maisel miss the point.

One of the reasons USC has stayed in the BCS title hunt is because head coach Pete Carroll isn't shy about running up the score when his boys are winning; he saves those points for rainy days. Note the 50-14 win over Arkansas to open the season and the 42-0 drubbing of Stanford at mid-season. (For Carroll, these two outings don't compare to the big-ego scorefests from years past. For starters, USC wupped the Razorbacks 70-17 last season, and beat teams by an average of 28 points throughout QB Matt Leinart's senior campaign, scoring more than 50 points in seven games of the 12 on the sked.) No one called Carroll a bad sport for doing so -- at least not this season.

Urban Meyer says his own staff held back from scoring again Saturday in the No. 4 Gators' 21-14 win over the so-so Seminoles. Taking such an advantage over Bobby Bowden's woeful 'Noles would be disrespectful and unnecessary, they said.

Yeah, yeah, whatever. Don't wanna run up the score a few prudent times? You risk losing precious BCS points. Does the other team and the press respect such gallantry? Puh-lease.

The bottom line is this: What do you have to show at the end of the season? Once past this or that game, it's history, and no one remembers Big Ego Points.

Ohio State coach Jim Tressel understands this. (As does UM coach Lloyd Carr.) Three times this season he ran up the score -- versus Indiana, Minnesota and Northwestern. If that's the way the system works, you gotta work the system.

That, or you play some lame-o backwater bowl game even fans won't remember once spring break rolls around.

And for what? Pride?

No one in college football better ever claim he's got too much pride to massage the rules.

A Garnett in the Rough

2006-11-25T11:38:00.000-05:00

I'm not into giving plugs for Bill Simmons (he gets plenty of readers by his own self), but at least someone acknowledges the tragedy of Kevin Garnett, a superior talent toiling away for nothing in the vast wasteland of the Northwest.

Seen the latest KG commercial for Adidas? Where he's sitting on his stool in the locker room, surrounded by reporter types sticking mics in his face post-game, and he turns to the camera and says, "Fooled you, didn't I?" The ad is part of a series called "It Takes 5ive," which stars T-Mac, Tim Duncan, Gilbert Arenas and Chauncey Billups talking about the value of team. But when KG says, It takes five, baby," it's just sad.

Garnett can't even get his own commercials anymore (see him with Jeter, Manning and the gang in the "Big Heads" commercial here), but in the new Adidas spot, he has to act like TEAM means something. Always a team player on teams full of selfish and/or mediocre talent, KG ain't gotta chance of ever knowing what "It Takes 5ive" means if he doesn't get the heck out of Minnesota toot-sweet. (All you have to know about the Wolves this season is two words: Ricky Davis.)

The Sports Guy pisses and moans about KG being "too emotional" for his own good over the course of his career, as if the 11-year NBA vet's ferocity somehow held him and his team back from greatness. Puh-lease. Simmons won't have to take up yoga, 'cause he's getting plenty of stretching on that one.

If KG was emotional, he was also funny and had a surprisingly deft touch with his ham-fisted teammates, opponents and with the always heavy-handed NBA. But the older he gets, and the more it looks like he won't reach the greatness he would have been perfectly made for had he played on a better team, the less we see of any of those qualities.

I used to say that Garnett's unbelievable abilities and the way he looks, with that predatory face, flashing eyes and "Alien" neck, made him seem like he was from outer space. But 11 years of playing with crappy teams in Minneapolis is enough to bring any superstar down to earth.

Ohio Players

2006-11-19T01:32:00.000-05:00

Despite what the East Coast-centric sports anchors on New York City's local channels say, the game of the day WASN'T the Rutgers at Cincy game (delicious as it was), but the Ohio State take down of the Wolverines.

The No. 1 team versus No. 2 -- THE national championship as the last game of the season. Bucks vs. Blue this year was college football nirvana. And this wiseguy is talking about Rutgers? The lucky-to-be-No.-7 Scarlet Knights? Please. There was only one scarlet yesterday -- and that was scarlet and gray.

Not much happening in the Northeast on Rivalry Weekend could upstage the Ohio State-Michigan game. Maybe George Steinbrenner keeling over of a heart attack, or Derek Jeter announcing he has AIDs. But nothing short of that.

Especially not after the death of former Big Blue coaching great Bo Schembechler on Friday.

With all the gushing about Bo (I refuse on principle to provide links), I'm surprised the various news outlets reporting on his death haven't mentioned the criticisms leveled against him in the past. For starters, from Elwood Reid, author of "If I Don't Six," a novelization of his experience playing ball for Schembechler, and "Bully Bo," a GQ article from 1999 (not available online) in which Reid talks explicitly about Schembechler being a Napoleanic prick.

In that article, Reid takes up the story of Schembechler's disaffected stepson to inform his story. Bo was a bully, as his mentor Woody Hayes was before him. Hayes' peccadilloes and transgressions did not go unmentioned when he died, so why are Ivan Maisel, Gene Wojciechowski and Pat Forde double-standarding Schembechler's obit to mythologize the man? (One might expect as much from Forde and, especially, Maisel, but Woj? Alas.) Old-school doesn't always mean cool.

So, kudos to Buckeyes coach Jim Tressel for not giving in today to sentimentality. Especially at the Horse Shoe. Especially with the national championship and the Heisman Trophy on the line.

All I can say is this: It's lucky for Lloyd Carr that Mr. Schembechler's death happened when it did. Because otherwise the current coach for Big Blue, that ranter extraordinaire, would have surely entered the John Cooper Zone.

Can we, just for fun, mention the Rutgers-Cincy game? The Scarlet Knights were never as good as NYC and Bristol wanted them to be. Good, sure. Great? Ah, no. In the mix for the BCS national championship -- even before their miserable choke job to the 6-5 Bearcats? Don't make me laugh. That the sports anchor at the ABC affiliate in NYC called Cincy "average" and "lumbering" is hilarious given the downhome whuppin' 'Nati put on those New Jersey weenies.

If you want mean, just take I-80 west about eight hours until you cross the state line into Ohio. Virginia might be for lovers, but Ohio is for mofos.

"Jesse Jackson with a Bra"

2006-11-15T22:48:00.000-05:00

ESPN.com's Page 2 finally hired a woman columnist -- for, get this, $400K over two years.

Here is Jemele Hill's first offering, a Q & A intro about herself.

Hill has worked gigs at the Detroit Free Press, the Raleigh N & O and the Orlando Sentinal -- though she's not exactly widely beloved. Looks like she's a mouthy broad, and you know how the WGSFs (White Guy Sports Fans) love that. Not.

In replacing Jason Whitlock, the Kansas City Star beheMOUTH who left ESPN in a blaze of blather (and is now working at AOL Sports under my old boss, Neal Scarbrough), Hill starts with an even better gig than Whitless had. Looks like we'll see her on some SportsCenter segments, Cold Pizza and hear her on regular ESPN Radio segments. No doubt they can't wait to get her on Around the Horn, too.

I hope Stacey "The Hater" Pressman is sick with envy. (I know I am....)

Bobby Shocks!

2006-11-15T01:11:00.000-05:00

In the land of college basketball, the press is always waiting for Knight to fall.

Bobby Knight, head coach at Texas Tech, gave one of his players a chin-up Monday night during the Red Raiders' 93-59 home win over Arkansas-Little Rock. Wouldn't you know, the Boys in the Press Box were on him for "slapping" a player, and waxing nostalgic over all the times Crazy Bob has behaved badly. (Note how the Associated Press story, entitled "Events in Knight's Coaching Career," lists only the nutty things he's done, but doesn't mention the three national titles, the 11 Big Ten championships or that he's the third winningest coach in NCAA men's hoops history. Nut jobs who're just nut jobs don't make history, but nut jobs that also have extraordinary talent, well ... that's why he's news.)

I'm not a big fan of Knight. In fact, I think there's something to writer and ex-UIndiana prof Murray Sperber's contention that the former Hoosiers coach is a nut job. But this? This is not quality Knight dish. Gimme a kick or a choke or a punch under the chin a la Woody Hayes -- THEN, my friends, it would be Knight time.

Clean On, Leon!

2006-03-17T19:19:00.000-05:00

How the mighty fall.

That's the way life seems to have turned out for Leon Spinks.

"Neon Leon," one-time Ali killer and jet-setting heavyweight champ, is now living in Where-Dat, Nebraska, cleaning locker rooms and mopping floors at the YMCA and unloading trucks at the local McDonald's in exchange for half-priced Big Macs.

To find out more about Spinks' current life and how he got there, read my Friday column at Maxboxing.com.

Brewster Still Punky?

2006-03-17T02:05:00.000-05:00

Lamon Brewster -- the poor schmuck. He's set to defend his title for the fourth time -- doesn't it just figure? -- on April Fool's Day. After nearly two years as a heavyweight champion, he still can't get any respect.

What he gets instead are endless raspberries from the media and fight fans.

What Brewster deserves, though, is for us to take another look at what he's been up to.

To read the entire story, check out my weekly column on Fridays on Maxboxing.com.